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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Sunday, June 19, 2005

Mission Not-So-Impossible

Everyone's talking about Crazy Ol' Cruise...


Tom "TomKat" Cruise... ever the modest one

As all of you know, Tom Cruise (often refered to now as TomKat.. ) is crazy (in love) and has asked his long-time girlfriend Katie Holmes to marry him. She said yes.
Big fuckin deal.
The media is having a field day with this - which is exactly the point of a publicity stunt. "Cynical" or not, there's no denying the facts, ma'am:

*Katie Holmes is 18 years old
*Tom Cruise is 54 years old
*Katie Holmes is not yet an A list actress
*Tom Cruise is a Scientologist

This means they both need good press for their careers, and they both have 2 huge blockbuster movies to promote coming out at the same time.
Does this necessitate a marriage?
No.... but we're forgetting two important facts:

*Katie Holmes is a hot virgin
*Tom Cruise is a male

It's a perfect mathematic equation. If that douche bag from A Beautiful Mind was here he would be seeing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as two perfect numbers coming together to make an sexy equation, and in his head he would be able to envision that happening as super-micro-quantum-physiconomics, or some shit.. it's too meta for me to understand. He can actually write out their entire relationship in advanced algebra equations, with the most complex problem yet to be solved:

CRUISE WANTS TO NAIL A HOT VIRGIN.
aint nothing wrong with that.


Tom Cruise, babysitting a new rising celebrity... who he fixes to bang

As you can see there's kind of a distance between them that needs to be filled... by his dong.
Here's a new equation for ya, John Nash: Marriage = Cockblocked

It's kind of like Nick and Jessica... Nick wanted the hottest girl he could find and he found her... only one problem: She won't let him wax dat ass unless he puts a ring on her finger. No problem, he's rich anyway, and he got a hugely popular reality tv series out of it right after his own music career had gone down the drain (except i hear he's big in japan and germany). So he marries Jessica, makes her a woman (repeatedly), cashes in, and then realizes how f'ing annoying she is and starts going to strip clubs. That's about surprising as when Jeff came back from a huge spring-break UCONN party with an infection of some sort.

Whatever happens, it all boils down to cooking: He wants to turn that cherry pie into jam. Mystery Solved. Go see their respective films.

-Jordan, Celebrity Mathematician

6 Comments:

  • At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Captain Awesome said…

    after having read this blog post i think we can all agree one one thing: Jordan likes poop.

     
  • At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Captain Awesome said…

    after having read this blog post i think we can all agree one one thing: Jordan likes poop.

     
  • At 1:14 AM, Anonymous Kina said…

    Jordan, I have never heard anything more disgusting than - he wants to turn that cherry pie into jam. I almost barfed.

     
  • At 12:51 PM, Blogger Dan Bookbinder said…

    You're forgetting one fact:

    Tom Cruise is gay. The only cherry he wants is covered in chocolate.

     
  • At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Max said…

    OK there is so much important stuff to say about this. On a personal note, I am obsessed with the Cruise-Holmes debacle and am currently working on getting myself a fresh copy of the Oprah appearance on DVD. Yes, I am that obsessed. Why? I don't know. I just feel like I OUGHT TO BE. Which is scary. Secondly, Scientology is so frigging crazy. Seriously. My investigation of Scientology's insanity is parallel to my Cruise/Holmes obsession. Also, it is evil and dangerous. Please check out the website www.clambake.org for more info. I think once you learn the "Secrets" of Scientology (75 million years ago evil galactic overlord Xenu annihilated all life on Earth because of overpopulation and deposited the souls of the dead in volcanoes all over the planet - these dead souls cling to all people ("Thetans") and Scientology's goal is to get rid of them by making you give them money. Oh, and L. Ron Hubbard is God. No, I am not fucking with you.) you will agree Tom Cruise is a nutjob. My personal theory (and this has been rumored as the reason Travolta is a big supporter) is that in the intial "auditing" process of Scientology you tell your whole life story and all your secrets - so Mr. Cruise prolly let slip he was bi (I don't think he is just gay) and he doesn't want this revealed. Hence, the BS. Finally, if you haven't seen the video of Cruise getting squirted in the face by a BBC "Prankster" at the London premier of WotW then BY ALL MEANS WATCH IT NOW: http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?channel=earlyshow&CMP=KNC-2005googlecampaign
    Scroll down on the left.
    Ta Ta,
    Maxy Boy

     
  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Drew Taylor said…

    As funny as Jordan's blog is, this is way funnier (Dane Cook doing an impression of Cruise on Oprah): http://gorillamask.net/cookkimmel.shtml

    Also, for Max, a helpful website delving into the craziness that is Scientology: http://scientology-kills.org/

    That is all.

    LOVE YOU TOMKAT!

     

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