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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Sunday, February 06, 2005

"yall got Open Water on record?"

one of the best worst customers we have is the 50-something professor-of-english-who-smokes-pot lookin mothafucka with long silver hair who comes in with blazers that have patches on the elbows (i do too, so i cant dis that) with a cup of some kind of pretentious coffee (yes, coffee can be pretentious) and makes THE WEIRDEST statements we've ever heard.
He's got some form of a southern accent and doesn't seem to know anything about anything. I know, you've never heard of anyone with a southern accent not knowing much of anything before, but it's true, take my word for it.
I wish i had a picture of him, but since i dont you'll have to use your imagination.
Some classic comments he's made:
Him: So, where would yall have TOP GUN? I looked for it all over yer store and i cant find it.
Me: well, where did you look? it should be in the action adventure section
Him: action adventure? are you serious? I looked for it in comedy and suspense. why would yall put it in action?
Me: have you SEEN Top Gun?
Him: uh.. no

then another one was a much longer and crazier conversation about the (dis)advantages of DVD over VHS.
He came in seriously asking me why anyone would want to watch a movie on DVD.
I went through the standard schtick about how better widescreen is than full screen, and how the sound and picture quality are significantly improved, and it allows faster access to chapters and etc etc.... it doesnt phase him because he is already thinking about why all of that sucks.
He starts saying how because DVD means DIGITAL video disc, that the movie is redone in digital film and looks like a video game. that the 'better picture quality' is actually fake picture and looks like it was done on a computer, and that he doesnt liek good sound. blah blah blah long story short he was unable to comprehend this idea of what DVD is and that it is not redoing movies in digital film formart etc etc.

we had a similar conversation on the way that CDs are much worse than... CASSETTE TAPES. Not vinyl, because i can understand some arguements for the pure sound quality of records over CDs.. but he was argueing for cassettes. SO WEIRD

Then yesterday (yes, we're finally getting to the point) he comes in and goes "Yall got Open Water on record"

.....


ON RECORD???
what time period are you in? no, wait.. what time period ever had movies on RECORD?
He follows by saying "er... on cd, you got it on cd then?"
so drew cleverly (and somehow without insulting him) "yes, we have it on vinyl in the new release suspense section"
we both chuckle.

Then he comes up and goes "you seen Friday Nights Lights?"
we both answer no.
then, after knowing that we both havent seen it (but maybe not actually listening to us say it) he asks us who plays the football coaches wife?
i say "i have no idea, why do you ask?"
he says "well, isnt she pretty much the most important, or second most important character in the movie?"
i say: "the wife? you think the coaches wife is the second most important character in a movie about a high school football team?"
and he says "well, yea, i mean.. in all my experiences seeing any sports movie its always been the wife that has had the biggest and most important role"

and i just kind of let him trail off hoping that i wont have to continue this inane conversation.
Where in the nutting hell does he get this from? he speaks as if he was abducted by aliens and the fucked with his brain and now its all scrambled and backwards. and he walks around life thinking that he is really smart and cool too, i just know it.
I would love to challenge him to tell me ONE sports movie where the coaches wife gets more than 15 minutes of screen time, let alone plays the second most important role.
i might have to challenge him to a duel.
a blazer with elbow patches duel.
it will be fucking balls out awesome, cause id love to beat his ass.

in fact when you bring up his account someone else wrote a note saying "i would love to kick this guys ass someday".
so true.

You really have to imagine a guy who walks in like he owns the store and knows everything aobut life, give him an annoying and somehow elitist southern accent, and is like the most annoying looking person ever and as just drew just added he parks his big SUV in the 'compact car' space outside. then you'll have some idea of what im talking about.

anyway thats my post about him (for now)
you better have read all of it.

-jordan

2 Comments:

  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    If the guy you are talking about it Bean than, save me a piece of that ass kicking action.
    ~James(Drinkin', Smokin', Straight West Coastin')

     
  • At 1:42 PM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    james rules.

     

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