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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Sunday, December 26, 2004

You Won't See This on "CSI"

An email I just got from Jordan (warning: don't eat while reading):

this is my attempt to recreate the most horrorific and damaging story ive ever been told, so damaging in fact, that up until now ive never shared it with anyone because thinking or speaking the words makes me sick to my stomach. this story has the potential to make you gasp, cry, laugh, throw up, have nightmares.

good luck:A single woman went to the supermarket to buy herself some lobster one night. She went home that night, nothing unusual that anyone could see happened, but a day or so later she was found dead next to her toilet.

When the police got there they couldn't figure out what happened to her.It turns out that the woman went the supermarket to get lobster, but not to eat it. Instead, in some desperate and perverted act of cruelty she wanted to use the lobsters phallic tale end as a way to stimulate herself.

But it doesn't end there.Upon closer investation, it was found that the lobsters long, sexual tail wasnt enough to pleasure this womans need for strange animal love. The lobster was still alive when she brought it home, so being as creative as she is, the woman figured out that for optimal pleasure she would need the lobster to wiggle and vibrate.

How does one acheive this effect? grab any household LIGHTER and burn the lobsters head while it is inside your dirty evil vagina.

But now we come to how this woman died. No it wasn't GOD himself coming down and condeming her to everlasting hell for the crimes against nature she has commited. Or was it? The lobster was actually female, and was pregnant at the time of torture. The fire that was used to make it wiggle actually somehow stimulated the birth cycle in the lobster. Though it was dying from the torture the woman inflicted, it suddenly burst out thousands of lobster eggs in some kind of aggressive emergancy pregnancy.

The woman was probably unaware that this was happening at the time, but soon after (not sure when...hours, maybe the next day) she started feeling really sick to her stomach. She ran to the toilet and proceeded to have the most explosive and painful diarhea she's ever experienced. or at least thats what she thought it was.

Another twist to this horrible tale is that either the woman was ovulating at the time, or its just because she's a woman, or maybe no reason at all, but the eggs that the lobster laid in her during the romantic evening of love were causing her to, in a way, give birth again to these little lobster eggs.

No, she didnt produce a superhuman breed of lobster men. however, the process of violently, and i mean VIOLENTLY ridding her body of the vile fruits of the her lobster friends loins was so intense and lasted so long the it killed her.

Eventually the police figured out that the strange and copious amounts of digusting and unidentifiable matter in the toilet and the burnt lobster corpse were actually pieces of this strange tale of beastial savage cruelty and selfish sexual brutality.

I say the woman got what she deserved.let this be a warning to all of you lobster fiends out there....they always get you back somehow.and thats my story. well, not my personal story. but this is the first time its even been thought through since i was in 8th grade or something.the idea of what happened disturbes me to the core.

hope you enjoyed

- jordan

[Editor's Note: Ewwwww....]

3 Comments:

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger 4head said…

    i want to kill myself

     
  • At 4:44 PM, Blogger Patrick K. said…

    When Adam told me of this story he said something like, “Lobster, masturbation, vagina, death--you have to read it.” So, my over active imagination pictured a lobster being stuffed into a vagina, in a fashion similar to the way homosexual’s use gerbils, and clawing away at her insides causing her to hemorrhage. Maybe it even fought its way through her chest cavity and ate her heart. Alas, this story is much more disgusting than my brain could ever produce.

    I, too, want to kill myself--This story will NEVER leave my thoughts. Does anyone know if lobster-tail-love is a common masturbatory act or was she just creative?

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    i think she was just really creative.
    but then again, i bet someone asked the same question about gerbil insertion early on and now its become a fab. so hopefully this story wont spread cause it might get all trendy to torture lobsters while in your vagina.
    hmmm

    -jc

     

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