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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Friday, January 07, 2005

im gonna shove that phone up your ass, asshole.

the following is taken from my rarely-written-in journal from a 3am rant about people are their god damn cell phones:

What is wrong with people?
I walked into the public bathroom and heard
"it's supposed to be hard!"
who could this man be talking to and what is he refering to?
Being in a men's bathroom I immediately assumed the answers to my questions were: Another man, and his penis. repsectively.
But I was wrong. The real answers were: He was talking to his child ON HIS CELLPHONE, and it was his homework that was 'supposed to be hard'. I guess that is fortunate for me, but not for our cellphone obsessed culture. Before recently would you be able to reasonably expect a grown man to be talking on his cell phone in a public bathroom while standing at a urinal and peeing while speaking to ANYONE let alone his child? No. No one should be having open/personal conversations at the urinal, that is freaky and awkward enough. Imagine how awkward it is when you realize he isnt talking to you or any other person, he's talking into the phone that is skillfully being held to his ear with his shoulder while the other arm struggles to assist him in the usually pain-free, no-skills-necessary task of peeing.

And this man was mid-conversation when I walked in AND when i left, in the same contorted position, paying no attention or worry to who enters the bathroom which means that he had probably finished peeing and went on with his conversation anyway. In other words, instead of waiting for a more convenient time to talk, he worked his peeing around his conversation, not the other way around. People do this all the time when driving, but the urinal scenario is far more strange and (so far) less common - or so i think. But who knows nowadays.

It used to be that rich people owned what was once refered to as a CAR PHONE - a helpful device used mostly in emergencies. A good thing to have if you need it, provided you could afford it. I'm sure many people way back in the dark ages actually declined on owning one because they couldn't justify it. People would drive safely home with only their radio/tape/CD players, travel coffee mugs and yelling kids to distract their driving ability. They'd wait til they got home to tell their friends/family where they'd been and what they'd been doing, instead of describing it step by step as it happens to them over the phone. I'm surprised anyone even knows what they did on any given day because instead of saying "I went to the video store today" they would probably be better off saying "Sue called me while i was out today - now somehow I have a movie rental with me." Peoples conversations are sooo important now that I'd think those would be more easily remembered than what important things were going on DURING the cell phone conversation. I guess everyday experiences werent enough for people, they had to enhance everything by talking on the phone during it.

What are people talking about, anyway? Who has all that to say and all those people to talk to? Isnt it funny how something that was totally unneccesary before it was invented suddenly becomes vital to everyones life just because it is available? Talking on the phone is fine, but doesn't it occur to you that when you have soemthing to do or someone else to talk to you should talk on your cell phone afterwards? Now i can bring it back to relate to Media Wave:

From this moment on I refuse to help any customer who comes up to the counter on their cell phone. Their are some just semi-rude people who will tell their chat-buddy to hold on while they are checking their video out, but there are several other people who have asked ME to HOLD ON for a sec so they can talk on the phone! In fact, from now on when someone comes to me trying to get me to help them while they are on their phone, im going to take my phone out and start talking. Maybe i'll pretend to be calling someone, maybe i really will call someone. It doesnt matter. But I will not ask someone 6 times for their last name, or for their pin number because im waiting for them to pay attention to me. I certainly wont tell them when their movies are due if they are too busy talking to their idiot friend who is probably on line at the Gap at that moment pissing off another retail clerk somewhere.
Does anyone have any fucking sense anymore? Any manners? There is such a thing as cell phone ediquette. NEWS FLASH to anyone who pulls that shit: YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT! your conversation is not important. Being kind and curdious to people is important. Because next time you come in the store telling me to hold on cause you're on your cell phone I will turn you around, take your head out of your ass where it normally is, and shove your oh-so-important cell phone up it.

sso the moral of the story is:
I didnt' think peeing at the public urinal could possibley be enhanced in anyway, its already awesome as it is, but now I know how wrong I was.

thank you.



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