The Showcase of Depravity

DVDs of the Week 1

2011-01-04T23:28:00.002-05:00

Every week our UPS man, like the sociopathic Santa Claus that he is, delivers us a bundle of joy. No, not a baby - that only happened once and it wasn't nearly as wacky as "Three Men and a Baby" (but far wackier than "Three Men and a Little Lady"). I am refering of course to our shipment of new DVD's every week contained in which are some of the most ridiculous things ever put to film, or in many cases, put straight to DVD. It's my job to bring these otherwise overlooked gems to the adoring, ignorant public.

My Baby Is Black!

If I can tell anything about this film based on the cover, it's about a sexy black man being seduced by a cartoon white woman... and the product of this bond of the flesh world and the ink world is a cartoon baby born totally in black ink. And it all takes place in France. Fucked up.

And as if that wasn't enough racial tension, you get "Checkerboard", another subtly-titled french art film depicting racial hatred fueled by the love of two crazy french youngsters. There is obviously a colorful cast of characters in this one: 2 passionate lovers, an angry man with a shotgun, a wise old black man, a wisely obese oriental stereotype (including Fu Manchu mustache), a buxom blonde vixen, and maybe a priest? (I guess when everything's in black and white it can be harder to tell men of the cloth) - all character types equally essential to tales of hatred and forbidden love. Apparently there is at least one wooden limb beating in this film, making true it's claim of "a tour of violence!".

Boys Town
Not to be confused with the other classic "Boys Town 90069", although equally as suggestive.
The banner on the bottom reads:
"The Life Story of a Boy Who Was Born to be Hung"
Surely this was not meant to be as blatantly sexual as it is... or was it? Considering the proper conjugation of "hang" (as in to death) would be "hanged," me thinks the message is clear. The picture looks like a court illustrator's rendition of an older man, perhaps an English teacher who didn't know what he was getting into, and the school boy who just needed that extra push to find his path. Let's face it, that little boy is giving a mighty seductive look, you might say it's a "come hither" stare, or you might even say a "come have sex with me again" stare, if you're particularly vulgar and perceptive. He's got his shirt collar loosened and he's ready for... whatever.
It also includes "Men Of Boys Town", another clue to the homosexual underbelly of hollywood in this time period (and every time period following it).

Either way, if you're anything like me, you'll watch anything starring Mickey Rooney, even if it's only vaguely sexual.

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Much like Scorcesse's controversial "The Last Temptation of Christ," his new film addresses the similar notion of a more human Santa and his natural temptations. At least, I assume this is a Scorcesse film.
Classic thespian of screen and little screen/American dreamboat Steve Guttenberg stars in this family film which takes an erotic look at the life of a single Santa Claus. If the man can deliver toys to millions of kids all over the world in one night, I can't imagine how many times he can fail to please a woman in just one night.

Jeopardy!: An Inside Look At America's Favorite Quiz Show

I've always said "don't trust a man who shaves his mustache" and not since Tom Selleck has there been more truth in that statement. Geraldo Rivera understood this risk when he made the claim that if Michael Jackson was found Guilty he would shave his mustache thereby ruining his credibility and his career. Luckily for Rivera we can trust Michael Jackson with children as much as we can continue to trust Rivera's journalistic integrity - it all comes back to the mustache.

Look at Tom Selleck with his stache, and look at him without. Maybe it's the fact that he's talking on a "cordless" phone at the beach before there was such a thing as a cordless phone that makes him so adorably trustworthy, and maybe its the fact that he's in a suit in front of an American flag that makes him so despicably untrustworthy and villainous, but I'm pretty sure it's all about the mustache.

Alex Trebek broke the nation's trust when he shaved his mustache. He shaved off the values of this country and now the very fiber of our freedom lay in a scattered pile in his sink.

Unfortunately this "documentary" is not an expose of Trebek's treason, but rather a one-sided propaganda piece about Jeopardy.
It also happens to be the most boring and nerdy"Inside Look" story ever produced. Was anyone actually wondering about the story behind Jeopardy? Besides, I'm pretty sure that "Wheel Of Fortune" is America's favorite game show, and you know why? It's not just because every American can guess the correct answers, it's because Pat Sajack is a man you can trust. Sure he never had a mustache, but more importantly, he never shaved one off. That is the stuff of heroes, and Pat Sajack is a hero.

That's it for last week's DVD Picks. If you didn't notice, this post included references to both Steve Guttenberg AND Tom Selleck, stars of "Three Men and a Baby", the best movie of all time.

-Jordan, rocking a mustache and then some.

Classic Films of the Urban Variety... Vol. 1, Part 1

2011-01-04T22:48:00.005-05:00

Every week among our large number of DVDs we get into our growing catalog come low budget, low grade "Urban" genre films. Low budget or not, these movies are great in their own way, and the following box art will show you just how great. Keep in mind these are all actual movies that exist in reality, and that Media Wave has for rental.

To start this off right, I give you...

I Accidently Domed Your Son
"It started as an innocent party, but ended as a deadly trip"
we have this filed in Comedy. It's actual genre is unconfirmed, because parents burying their children is never funny.

My favorite part of the cover is the license plate that says "KILLA," which would imply that perhaps this "doming" was no "accident."

There is some confusion here, not just on the intentions behind the doming, but also on the interpretation of the verb "dome." I've heard it used to mean either "to perform fellatio" and "to shoot in the head," and I'm pretty sure that the title could go either way and would probably change the movie only slightly. And either way, the question here is, can you ever really dome anyone accidentally?

On IMDB.com, the only summary written for this movie is by Ryan Combs, who I discovered is actually the writer/director and one of the leading actors in the movie. But let us not forget that when Leaves of Grass was published, Walt Whitman too had to write his own favorable reviews on the internet.

"
I CELEBRATE myself;
And what I assume you shall assume;
I accidentally domed your son "

And to finish this edition off:

Sweet Potato Pie
"The First Slice Is Always The Sweetest"

Like all books, everything you need to judge this by is on the cover.

Already we see that it has all the classic urban stereotypes, including "the girl," and "the three guys."

Another cover here with ingenius compositional qualities with the main characters IN a pie itself.
Not to mention the "Sweet Pie" herself, holding, with all the subtlety of Larry Flynt, a real sweet potato pie next to her own "sweet POTATO pie" (here we use the word "potato" to mean "vagina").

So the plot is classic but still fresh: 3 guys trying to get laid. Yes, it's been done before, but the question the producers had to ask themselves about this was "but has it been done URBAN-STYLE?" the answer is probably a whole lot, so their answer is Sweet Potato Pie. Correct answer!

The best thing about these covers is facial expressions, which reveal immediately whether that character will be all like "SAY WHAAT?" or all like "OH NO HE DIDN'T!" or like "EXCUSE ME?". And that's the kind of thing you need to know about a movie before you rent it.

Hope you enjoyed Volume 1 of this ongoing series. The next form of this will be in Classic Films of the Adult Variety, which promises to be quite adult but without much variety.

Drew's Comment of the Day

2009-01-28T20:41:00.000-05:00

(Original date: 12/11/05. Why this was drafted and not posted I don't know. I feel like maybe it was and I wanted to add to it but never did. Anyway here it is, another slice of Media Wave life for the 0 readers that remain checking this blog after 3 years of inactivity).

As some of you may know, we have are able to write notes on customers accounts which pop up in small windows, much like pop-up windows, in front of the account alerting the employee to important things about the customer, like whether or not they are hot, how annoying they are, a quick andicdote about a confrontation we got in with him or something stupid they did. It can also be used for business related notes as well.
Most of the comments consist of things like "I'd do her" or "maybe the most annoying person ever" or "if it was between this customer and _____ (enter customer name here), whose butt/tampon/butt tampon would you rather lick?" (those are always from Jeff).
Sometimes I'll go out of my way to brighten everyone's day with some extremely clever wit with a comment like if their name is Flicker I tend to write "Flicker? I hardly know her!"
Funny as that is regularly, it works especially well when the customer's name is something like Creamer and Harder, which are in fact real names. After 4 years I can safely say no one is tired of reading the same joke all the time, and I'm certainly not tired of writing it. Thus, similarly, I still have this blog.

So today I saw a note that Drew wrote on the account of someone named Kobel that stuck me as particularly nerdy and Drewesque:

"Interesting fact, Kobel is also the name of an enemy planet on Battlestar Galactica"

God Crimminy, can you get any more nerdy than that??
Probably.

-Jordan

Showcase of Depravity: A new Micro Web Series on Youtube! we finally made it!

2009-01-24T01:47:00.004-05:00

Hey... It's been a while. I hope you're well. No, I guess I didn't realize it was this late, did I wake you? Are you just saying that, or did I really? Cause it sounds like I did. I mean, it is late - I did? Really? Ok, well I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you - I thought you'd be interested... No, I'm not blogging somewhere else, why would you say that? I'm still waiting for US to work... what? I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry.

Anyway, so you remember that blog I wrote with that guy named Drew? About working at Media Wave? The Showcase of Depravity? mediawave.blogspot.com ? Yea, that long winded one. I mean, I thought it was funny, but - OK FINE, you read it regularly, I get it. Whatever. The point IS...

NOW IT'S A MICRO WEB SERIES (did i invent that term?) on YOUTUBE! as in, I have had videos of antics behind the counter at Media Wave that I documented on my cell phone camera sitting on my computer, and finally uploaded them to youtube.
It's organized under Showcase of Depravity heading, as it's own series.
So far there are 6 short episodes. There will be more when I upload them, but I have to let viewer anticipation build, of course.

all 6 are on Youtube, but here are the first 3:
Episode 1: "C.R.E.A.M." jeff schools drew on everything around him, featuring jeff's trademark Party Ghost Yelp

Episode 2: "hit me chump" jeff schools drew on the beat down

Episode 3: "A Lesson Learnt" (this one is clearly the best) jeff schools drew on rape. oooh wha ah ah ah!

here is the link to the playlist where all 6 can be found:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=EBD4B463BB2C48C1
or just at my youtube, www.youtube.com/jordanclifford

ah, this stuff brings me back to the good ol' days, the ones where jeff dry-raped me every day.
they're mostly just 10 second videos of Drew and Jeff fighting, humping each other, or dancing. Sometimes all three. Giving it an potential demographinc of 3 people. It's mhad gey.
They're HORRIBLE quality, as they are taken from a 3 year old camera phone, then made bigger to fit youtube. deal with it.

There are a lot of unfinished Showcase of Depravity posts sitting as drafts here on blogspot, so maybe in the near future I'll work on finishing them and keeping this blog semi-alive.
for those interested in what I'm doing right now, well, I'm in Boston, actually working at an independent video store that is a doppleganger of Media Wave. It's even called Mike's Movies, just like the Mike's Pizza which Media Wave is right next to. is that a stretch of coincidence? I don't know, I don't control fate, it's just true. No, I didn't move to Boston to transfer video stores, I'm also in school still, so for now it's sort of excusable that I still work at a video store. Surprisingly, and disappointingly, there aren't nearly as many funny stories at my new job. There's a whole lot more PORN, and maybe I'll take my sporadic "Porn Title of the Week" text messages to the web, we'll see. Look forward to all that.

-Jordan

Korn singer could've been a legend in death, instead just a whiner in life

2009-01-23T22:15:00.001-05:00

original date: 10/15/06

I was reading old music news stories from earlier this summer and I came across the headline “Korn Cancel Tour”, and being the dedicated Korn fan and jet set traveler that I am, I had to read on.

"Korn were forced to kancel the rest of their European tour after singer Jonathan Davis was diagnosed with immune thrombokytopenik purpura, a blood disorder. 'If I kontinued to headbang onstage, I kould have had a brain hemorrhage and dropped dead on the stage", writes Davis on the band's web site.'" (Cs replaced with Ks by me, for fun)

Did it ever occur to Jonathan Davis how fucking badass he would be if he died from headbanging? It would be his only chance at becoming a metal legend, nay, a metal god among men, and a really, really awesome one at that. Considering he is on is way, if not deep into obscurity, dying on stage from headbanging would really be the best possible thing that could happen in his career at this point.

I can see the headline now,
"Metal Misspeller Dies From Rocking Too Hard,
North Americans and some Europeans About To Rock Salute Him", (kind of a long one, eh?)

"Metal Band Sue Selves For Knowingly Contributing To Death of Singer With Annoying Moustache" (also long)

"Headbanging Causes Death, Parents Of World Agree: 'We Told You So'"

"Headbanging Causes Headaches, Death"

"Korn Singer First To Die From Rocking, Hopefully Not The Last” (way harsh)

I would hope, however, in the event that this happens, that Korn try to continue their tour with the singer as if nothing happened, a la Weekend At Bernie's.

American Idol Rejects folks to Media Wave

2009-01-23T20:50:00.001-05:00

(original date: 12/23/05)

The other day I was confronted with one of those quintessential awkward moments that defines what I think is so funny about serious people, one of those every day Seinfeldesque, if you will, kind of moments of that makes you absolutely question what goes on in someone's head.

I was helping a middle aged woman and her son who was picking out video games to rent. I wasn't paying much attention to her; she probably wanted my shit or something because she hung around my register for a good amount of time while her son was searching for just the right video game that would allow him to experience sex and violence all in one , a quest that took about as much as was necessary for his mom to annoy me to my very core, right down to the back of my balllls.

As she's standing there, awkwardly occupying the space in front of me for no reason, she starts to sing. And I do mean that exactly. Not hum, not whistle, not mumble a few lines of a song she heard on the radio, but SING...
Now, what is so universal about this behavior is that she is one of those people who has a semi-decent voice but is excessively confident about her vocal talents. Because she can barely carry a note to untrained ears, she honestly thinks she is treating all around her to her musical gift. We all know people like this who put in that extra effort to blatantly making their voice the center of whatever environment they're in, to make their voice sound gooder than the average singing-in-the-shower voice when singing a little random song that's rattling around their brain, thereby making the song sound FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

To people with good voices, or even semi-good voices: No one but you is comfortable with you making a scene of your own voice, especially in completely random times and places, completely out of nowhere, while pretending not to notice that you're trying to belt out a mini opera while people are shopping or simply minding their own. Stand outside your own head for a minute, and you won't like what you hear.

Stupidity begets irritability

2009-01-23T18:49:00.000-05:00

(original date: 3/25/06)

Here are some stupid questions I just don't understand someone asking, and the responses I'd like to give:
(almost every phone call is exactly like this, no exaggeration)

Caller: Yea...
Me: You start a phone call with 'yea'?
Caller: ... I was wondering if I could ask you a question?
Me: .... yea, yes, of course, why else would you call? go ahead, you're already wasting my time.
Caller: Ok can you check if you have a movie?
Me: .... No, actually we have no way to tell which movies we have. It's based on random luck. No, I'm kidding, of course. Fuck you. Obviously I can check if I have a movie, which movie??
Caller: Ok, it's a really old movie, you probably don't have it
Me: It's weird how you knew we didn't have it but called anyway. You're right, though. After all, why would a movie rental store have old movies?
Caller: It's really old, you've probably never heard it.
Me: You're right again. Also, I can't spell, so it'll be hard trying to look it up on this thing they call a com-pu-ter?
Caller: It's called Con Air? Do you have it? You probably don't.
Me: You're probably right, so I don't have to look it up. Excellent. Thanks for calling?

My dad is inappropriate

2009-01-23T18:12:00.001-05:00

(original date: 3/2/06)

"Here comes your mother, put your pants back on"

I would say that this must seem hilarious when taken out of context, but there was no real context in the first place. I was sitting here with my pants on, it's just as random and out of context to me as it is to you.

The mysteries of my father probably won't be unraveled until after his death when we discover some secret hidden boxes of letters and journals in the attic... But then again, I'm sure such a thing would probably only serve to confuse us further. And we don't have an attic, so that would be even more confusing. Meta.

He Said, She Said, They're Both Morons

2009-01-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

(original date: 2/19/06. may have been a post on What The Balls, but i can't remember)

This week I have 2 great pictures that go together in a piece I like to call "He Said, She Said, They're Both Morons"

I'll start with the first picture because I have no personal connection to it, other than personal admiration.

This is guy is an absolute genius. Look at that smirk spread across his face. I have no idea what the pass hanging around his neck is for, but it seems like it could be anything, from an Sailor Moon convention to an Anime porn convention, or anything in between.
You really can't walk out of the house into a public place wearing a shirt like that and not know you're going to be the subject of a few photographs. You've gotta be in a certain frame of mind to pull this off, and I don't think this guy has any other frames of mind outside of this one. God bless him.

I have to give credit to Mike (of Freezer Burn infamy) for giving me this random picture today, thus gelling this post together.

Now the complimentary picture to the first one, with a personal backstory:

This is Felicia, she's a 15 year old girl that I stalk online. Well, that's the long story short. The long story long is the title of a porn I plan to make. Either way, at least makers of clever slogan T-shirts are concerned with gender equality, in some way, I guess.

Super Super Bowl Post - Hero of the Year: Ric Seaberg, from What The Balls

2009-01-23T01:05:00.001-05:00

(Original date: 2/7/06. Definitely posted on What The Balls, but it deserves another skimming. In fact, it inspired a new correspondence/friendship with the wife of the following person...)

Well, there weren't any nipples exposed at this year's Superbowl, so I made an effort to expose both of mine during the halftime show. It didn't quite upset the country like Janet's iron-clad protuberance, but maybe that's because it was in the privacy of my own home... although my dad was reasonably disturbed, so at least I got through to someone.

When trying to find an appropriate picture for the brilliant "Superbowl XL" piece that you just read, I ended up stumbling upon more than just an amazing superbowl picture, I found this weeks Random Picture of the Week as well... Or did the picture find me?
As you will see, there is so much more to this weeks picture than usual.

Here's the superbowl picture:

and now from the very same personal webpage, The Random Picture of the Week:

There's more to this picture than you think.
First of all, forget the fact that you're looking at 2 pirates, one being in a wheelchair - the modern answer to the peg-legged pirate - awkwardly posed in front of the superbowl. Notice that each pirate hat has a different flamboyantly colored feather sticking out of it. They've got kind of a Star Wars/colored dueling light saber colors thing going on. Now, I've never known pirates to wear colored feathers out of their hats, but then again I've never known any pirates... unless you count those koreans that hijacked my ship in international waters, but I wouldn't say I really knew them.

Second, notice the dog calendar hanging on the door in the back. Classic pirate choice. Other typical content of pirate calendars: Wenches & Maids, Various Ports, Justin Timberlake. You might wonder what pirates need calendars for, but it's obviously so they can make down their birthdays.

Most importantly, the guy in the picture. No, not the guy in the wheelchair. Get over it. The other guy.

This guy:

His name is Ric Seaberg. From his website bio:
A well known Portland daily newspaper columnist once described Ric Seaberg this way: "In a kinder and gentler world, he would have been a rock star."
Too bad we live in an unkind world, Seaberg. Apparently he was in some band in the 70's and now puts out his own independently distributed solo albums that are reminiscent not of Jimmy Buffet but of the Jimmy Buffett parody Coconut Pete from "Club Dread".
Also from his website bio:

There are few who can match his wordsmithing talents (for example, he once rhymed maharaj with garage in a song), his lyrics are distinctive and memorable. Ric's songs "Didn't Say I Love You Right" and "We Talk About Cars" both appear on NPR's "Car Talk" compilation cds, available at www.cartalk.com...

As far as I can tell, this guy is awesome. He isn't just awesome because he writes song lyrics like this:

"I took my wife's dry cleaning to the Goodwill store
What a nice donation...there was jubilation
When the cashmere sweaters that my wife adores
Hit the sweater hangers of the Goodwill store

There they were in the hallway....bagged up for the trip
Twelve sweaters and dresses...Shoes bras and a slip
"Take this one to "Dress For Success"....go by there first!
Take the rest to charity...but not this one...
Which belongs to me!.....

(Solo
Bridge)
I know that people make mistakes...everybody does
But this might call for suicide...cuz when I saw those tears she cried
I fought back the tears myself......actin' mighty tough
But she said she felt fine enough...
Since I could buy her all new stuff!"

Uh... yea. Anyway, the other reason he rules is that he seems to have a handi-capable sidekick in a wheelchair.

Check out that genius train conductor. He's wearing shorts for crying out loud, have you ever seen that before? AND a big red hat. AND he willingly posed for this picture, which occured to someone as being a picture perfect moment.
Not to mention for some reason pictures of people enjoying, really enjoying the ride on the wheelchair platform makes me laugh. It's like a picture from an amusement park, or at the very least a county fair. You know it made you laugh too.

For that, and reasons made clear in the following pictures, he is awesome:

This is Ric in his prime, sporting the rarely attempted braided mullet. I would've like to have known him then, damn. Anyone who can get that done to their hair and then put a picture of himself with it online is a man worth knowing.

He's like a candle in the wind. He's also like a white guy with a braided mullet. Either way, it's beautiful.

Ever better than that, apparently this is where he lives:

With all the conveniences of modern day nomadic life and all the charm of the deep south. It is humble, but you'd be surprised how spacious it is inside (in fact there are pictures of the whole interior on his website). I hear he's waiting on the zoning commissioner to approve installing a mobile pool in the back yard. It will make the property value sky rocket.

And a taste of his recording legacy:

This is one of his many professionally made album covers. Don't ask, because I have no fucking idea. "There Goes Rhymin' Pie Man" tells us a lot, though. For one thing, he has no time for the letter G. That's generally a good sign in song writers and pie men. A combination of the two is rarely seen. It also has a hometown feel to it, as if the title is a quote from the neighborhood kids who see him as they're playing stick ball and trading baseball cards or drugs or whatever kids do these days, as Rhymin' Pie Man walks by, presumably towards his Pie Shoppe (as it would be spelled), presumably rhymin' whilst walkin' (or skippin', as the situation sees fit). God I want to live in that made up world I just made up.

Check out his website www.ricseaberg.com for more amazing pictures and weirdness.

So there you have it folks, 3 posts in 1! - it began as one sentence and just wouldn't let me stop until Ric Seaberg was given proper justice.

********************************************

For those interested, here is the lovely comment that Mrs. Seaberg posted on What The Balls.

Greetings Mr. What the Balls, thank you for giving me such pleasure today. You had me laughing til tears were running down my knees... Your blog entry about my dearly beloved is very witty and greatly appreciated here... we both laughed our asses off. I'm just so disappointed to learn you live in Conn., that's so far away. I wanted to invite you to dinner. And we would let you take a ride on the wheelchair lift too!!!!

So we would love to meet you someday, maybe you'll make it to Portland. Look us up! Or maybe we'll pull our airstream up to your curb one day and let you come inside and take a look see.

The world is a better place because your blog is in it... but I guess you knew that already.
Take care,
The wife

Spring Breaaaak!

2007-03-09T13:04:00.000-05:00

I am back for spring break (SPRING BREEEEAAAK!!!!!!) and to celebrate my break from the arduous routine of drinking and casual sex as a college underclassman, I opted not to deal with the frustration of excessive drinking and reckless casual sex in Cancun but instead to return to my single favorite activity to spend my free time on: working at a video store!

So here are a couple classic moments that happened while on the job today

Female Customer: I don't suppose you have any recommendations for me this week?
Drew: When I start menstruating I'll be in the mind frame to recommend movies you'd like

Old Woman: Can you explain to me why there are so many versions of this movie?
Me: Well, these are all the same movie with multiple copies so that more than one copy can be rented out at a time, and that one is a completely different movie
Old Woman: Ah...

I'm only working 1 more day, but hopefully there will be more great things to report

Happy Vagina Day from "Hey, I'm a dog"

2007-02-14T16:35:00.000-05:00

"Hey,I'm a dog!" holiday cardz official website, bitch

Anna Nicole - An enigma in life, a legend in death

2007-02-08T18:41:00.003-05:00

Anna Nicole Smith, well-known health guru, feminist spokesperson, noted voluptuary and star of "Naked Gun: 33 1/3", was pronounced dead today, her body having finally caught up with her brain. Ironically, she died at the young age of 39, far too young to have collected and enjoyed the inherited fortune she spent the better part of her life seeking, targeting, having sex for, and battling legally over.
You may judge her, but I ask you: is a life of working hard in a corporate office for a fortune really any different, physically, mentally, or philosophically, than having sex with an 89-year-old man, even just once? They're equally as degrading, and an affair with an old man probably involves changing more diapers.

It is not my intention to mock and shame a human being so soon after she died, so I will let her body of work (pun!!!!!) speak for itself.

Anna Nicole, truly I wish it was your manager and not you, and if you remember The Anna Nicole Smith show like I do, you remember that her manager/best friend/secret admirerer would have easily layed his life down if he could, as he did his dignity on national television. He was the real life Smithers to her Mr. Burns (who, incidentally, she was actually married to for a time).
If the saying "it's better to burn out than to fade away" is true, it definitely applies here, but I don't think it was meant quite as literally.
Let her death not be in vain - boycott TrimSpa! It promises to make you thin, but what they don't tell you is that you won't just be as trim as a skeleton, you'll actually be one! Ahh! (Too soon)
In life she was an enigma, in death she is a legend...
Now she can finally be reunited in heaven with her one and only love, who has actually been in heaven longer than she's been fat, which is a long fucking time. Ouch.
RIP
(P.S. I'm sorry, Anna's ghost. I didn't mean any of it)
Also, here are some titles for the forthcoming Anna Nicole Smith biography that I came up with:
Shameless Plug: The Life and Times of Anna Nicole Smith (Double Meaning)
A Pig With Wings: How Anna Nicole Captured The Hearts and Minds of America
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful, There Are So Many Other Reasons: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Anna Nicole Smith
A Voluptuary and the Oil Tycoon: The Classic American Love Story (I just really like the word "voluptuary")
Beauty and the Beast: The story of J. Howard Marshall II and Anna Nicole, Respectively
Like My Body? Want Some Money? And Other Things On Anna Nicole Smith's Gravestone
Beautiful Enigma: The Inspirational Life of Anna Nicole, Retarded Model
*keep checking back, I might come up with more

1/31 - NEVER FORGET

2007-02-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

This post may be, as they say, "too soon", but I have to share with you the disturbing events of a day that will now live in comic infamy, Janurary 31, 2007.

As many of you may know, yesterday Boston finally (almost) experienced their own 9/11. I know that's a bold statement, so allow me to explain.

In the morning a phone call was made, presumably by a semi-retarded individual, alerting the officials of certain suspicious "boxes" and unidentified "packages" (sexual...) made up of complex, possibly Middle Eastern-style circuitry with blinking lights forming an undiscernable symbol were placed in strategic places all over the city and thought to be bombs. Well populated areas like subways, malls, popular stores, bridges, etc were targets of this massive terrorist plot.

The city of Boston, wasting no time and sparing no expense or - what's the word? - thoughts, SHUT DOWN nearly the entire city transportation - subways and highways were closed, and even schools were shut down; called in all its law enforcements and emergency departments - including help from the FBI, and possibly the coast guard, local college campus security personnel, the LifeCall Alert emergency service, D.A.R.E., the off-duty life guards, the Shriners, retired war veterans, and people eager to make citizens arrests.

It turned out that was looked like a harmless glowing sign was actually.... a harmless glowing sign! Eventually it was revealed to the bumbling masses of trained emergency workers from city to federal levels that these complex terrorist bombs were nothing more than simple battery-powered light up billboards (or "terror boards"), and the meticulously planned plot to blow up the entire city of Boston was nothing more than an "advertising campaign" (of destruction) for a crazy cartoon show called "Aqua Teen Hunger Force"(whatever that means!), or "Aqua Teen Terror Force" as it will henceforth be known.

That's right, you read that correctly. Boston shut itself down over a terrorist scare that was simply based on blinking lights, blinking lights that could have been identified as cartoon characters from anyone ages 9-45. These "bombs" were basically light boxes in the shape of "Mooninites" from the TV show, seen below.

This cute little guy, clearly a character of some sort, and not, as it was originally believed, a letter in Arabic language, caused Boston to shut down for an ENTIRE FUCKING DAY.

If you don't believe me - and you shouldn't because it's totally fucking insane -here is a picture of a police man, or a bomb squad officer, or maybe campus security, removing one of these potentially dangerous, definitely adorible "bombs".

Is this not the silliest thing you've ever seen?

The police were quoted as saying "Whoever did this — whether it be kids or adults — if they think it's funny, I think they'll soon learn it's not that much of a humorous situation."
Well put. Clearly this person has a great sense of humor, but oh, how very wrong they are. This rivals the McDonald's impersonator scam as the funniest thing to happen... ever. But wait, there's more...

The best part is that this ad campaign had been in place for TWO to THREE WEEKS before anyone noticed it in Boston, AND NINE other cities! New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia. Yet not even New York, a city that was actually attacked by terrorists and is constantly on high alert reacted, and somehow Boston was the only one that even acknowledged these 2D cartoon characters in any way, let alone put the city on lockdown. This suggests the terrorists are trickier than we thought.

The police justified their outrageous misreading and irresponsible (and costly) overreaction to blinking lights in context of the "post-9/11 world", saying that they have to "treat it like what it is". Other police policies include "I think, therefore I am" and "where ever you go, there you are".

The confusion is reasonable, though. These "Mooninites" could easily be a confused with a mystical sect of Islam, and the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" sounds very much like a possible name for a radical socialist religious communist terrorism extremist group. In fact, there is still no definite proof that it is not.

It was reported that Boston officials had to finally "accept the fact" that it was an ad campaign and not a terrorist attack, meaning that they had already followed several leads and had to settle on the grim, disappointing reality. This was a difficult thing for them to do considering that they were counting on this to finally gain Boston the status as "New York #2", or "Lil' NYC". This was going to be their 9/11! A terrorist attack may be terrible, but let's just say you really feel important as a city if someone cares enough to bomb you. Next time, guys.

The Governor claimed that the city acted vigilantely, and taking a cue from him I went out with several vigilante groups to take brutal action against all possible Mooninites, terrorist or otherwise, and any other kind of alien we could find, including human immigrants, just to be on the safe side. Right or wrong, there have been no more bomb scares since then, so I think we're doing a pretty good job.

In addition to my violent actions, I've also started a watch group: CCACTUS - Concerned Citizens Against Cartoon Terrorism in the United States. So far we've been very effective in stopping this massive problem, and hopefully our petitioning and lobbying will change the agenda of the current administration to focus on this growing threat to our freedom.

Of course, this reminds us of the horrible "Lite Brite" scare of the 1980's during which demonic "lights on a board" (quite similar to those used in this "ad campaign", perhaps by the same terrorists) mesmerized and brainwashed the nation's children. It tore this country apart, just as these "harmless" "cartoons" are doing now.

The worst part of this whole insanity is that people actually got arrested for their marketing efforts. THEY ACTUALLY ARRESTED PEOPLE FOR THIS! The police claimed they wanted to put them in jail because surely "prosecution will have a deterant effect". Yes, because putting marketing people in jail for "hoax bombs" which were neither "hoax" nor "bombs" and had no intention of being either, will absolutely put a stop to any future bombing attemtps and/or creative marketing campaigns.

The important thing is that we are all safe and that no one was killed - that is, except for those in need of emergency assistance or law protection that were denied it while everyone was staring at blinking light boxes.

1/31 - NEVER FORGET!

Other threats to look out for:

1.Cross walks

2. Idiots

Most importantly, I'm a star! I recently became involved, both professionally and sexually, with a "comedy" "troupe" at Emerson who are in turn involved a comedy show called ZEBRO. They make videos and do sketches. As a comedy troupe in Boston sitting through the most outrageously comical thing to ever happen in Boston (other than the Tea Party and the Red Sox), it was decided that it was our duty to respond with an angry, immature, foul-mouthed video, and I'm in it to some degree.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G-D0F4Q9yk

We worked for 4 hours compiling jokes, extended clips of the most ridiculous news footage (all of them taking this so completely seriously), wild rants and nudity, and it was boiled down to a tightly loose 4 minutes, mostly composed of news clips. Many, many jokes were cut out for the sake of time, or because they weren't funny, and what's left is a lot of yelling, which what anyone wants in a video.

I'll say in my defense that the camera adds 35 pounds, as opposed to the standard 10 that people think (it changes for different people, depending on the level of their self-delusion).

1/31 - NEVER FORGET!

The Long, Hard, Deep Goodbye

2007-01-07T11:38:00.000-05:00

Dear loyal readers, disloyal readers, customers who unknowingly stumbled upon this blog looking for internet coupons (and/or porn) and became instant fans, and customers who came upon this incendiary website looking for contact information of the owner in order to write annoying complaint letters about the employees only to find blog posts seemingly written about them,

It is the end of an era. The three most important men in the world - James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein - have all died recently, and as they are each my contemporaries and my idols (in their own unique ways), I too will be making a passage onto a better place. You could say that like Saddam, and perhaps even James Brown, where I am going will likely be filled with at least 72 virgins. At least in the freshman class, anyway. That's right - I'm going to college.

I planned out the last 5 years of my life perfectly: After high school, work at the same job long enough to kill my spirit, and then, after saving just enough money to not be able to afford anything, and at the height of my popularity in Fairfield (socially, politically and sexually), uproot myself and move to a new, far more expensive city to be old enough as an undergraduate student for some of my female classmates to actually exclaim "gross! That's like, statutory rape or something. Look at his beard... Is he a professor?". I guess statutory is better than date rape, which they will surely be willingly engage in later that night, as will I.

My reign of terror and unwelcome sexual advances at The Wave is over... at least until I finally realize what a scam college is and come back to earn some extra money for my newly developed drug habit. Working for "The Man" again will surely be against my newly developed anti-establishment, socialist economic and political views, but it can't hurt my newly developed credit card debt. What I'm saying, basically, is that college is about positive new developments.

This is just a preliminary message to let everyone know what I'm doing and why I haven't posted much in a while. Hopefully while I'm not using all my creative (and sexual) juices at the wave, I can focus them on posting more instead of working, and instead of doing school work.For the record, and so you don't have to keep asking, I'll be there at school for sexual experimentation and writing. This often makes people ask "Really? You? Writing? You can't spell, and you can barely speak in full sentences... OOOKK.. WHATEVER! Good luck with that...". I have no answer for you, or your rude attitude. I lost a bet where the stakes were enrolling in a college for writing, so...

I have not yet decided what will come of The Showcase of Depravity; it's power is beyond my control. It's very much like malevolent computer HAL 9000 , and for that matter, my father, in that it would surely kill me before I kill it. In fact, both Blogger and my father remind me of this constantly on a weekly basis through email updates.

Until then, do yourself a favor and go through the archives; relive all the things you loved about this motley crew of rag tag ragamuffins and their rantings about unbelievably stupid customers. For now, let it be a relic of a successful project on failure (or a failure project on success, depending on how you look at my time at The Wave), which has a defined beginning and ending.

I assure you there will be more posts coming, including unfinished posts from days past (including a ridiculously late Halloween post) and brand new happenings on the store front (including hilariously innocent vandalism of the store wall's mural).

As always, I desperately request that you read my other "blog", What The Balls?.
Also, check out Drew's blog about life as an out-of-the-closet metrosexual, Zombie Politics. It's sure to offend and titillate.

Here is the "Hey, I'm a dog" card I imagine Media Wave would have sent me, had they done anything for my departure at all.

I leave The Wave as I came: questioning my sexuality, my belief in God, how people so stupid can be so rich, and ready for a fight.

-Jordan

What Would Chev Chelios Watch?

2007-01-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

This week I decided to be, as a customer trying to be cute said, "different" with my Employee Picks section. I decided, as you will read, that since I won't be around much to change up my picks, I might as well dedicate it to perhaps the single greatest movie experience known to man. No, I don't mean The Godfather, Jurassic Park or even The Stupids. I printed out a little write up to explain my wild, boundary-breaking choice, and here it is:

Instead of recommending cult classics, lesser known sleepers, off-beat comedies and movies with the word “Teen” in the title, I am choosing to use my power of influence of my Picks Section to promote the best movie ever made, ever: “CRANK”. Rent “Crank” now.

Reasons why:

1. It’s called CRANK, for obvious reasons, and reasons not so obvious that will be revealed while the thrilling plot unravels. All other enticing plot points must be withheld for the sake of the full throttle Crank experience

2. It’s what “Snakes On A Plane” should have been, but without the hype or the snakes

3. Because I told you to, that’s why.

Warning: This film will literally blow your mind, in both good and medically adverse ways, so it’s best to watch it while wearing a helmet or medical gauze. The affect of this film is so great that it might cause you to start hating your family members, and make you want to punch someone just for the thrill of it. Pregnant women should not view this film. It contains a level of ridiculous adrenaline so high that it would cause birth defects, and that’s if the baby doesn’t punch it’s way out from becoming a man so quickly just by absorbing what doctors refer to as “’Crank’ waves”. People opposed to product placement, gratuitous sex and violence (if there is such a thing) should not view “Crank” unless they want to become a totally different person, but if you are opposed to gratuitous sex and violence, you probably aren’t looking at my picks section.

Best of luck in your new, post-“Crank” life

-Jordan

That's just the kind of thing you get at Media Wave - asshole clerks writing essays to tell you what to watch. Oh well. I hope customers come away from this forgetting the phrase "What Would Jesus Do?" and replacing it with the more practical and cocaine-addled "What Would Chev Chelios Do?"

-Jordan

Santa? Give me a break

2007-01-04T18:05:00.000-05:00

Gift certificates to Media Wave are a popular way to show your kids you understand them on a personal level, while proving that the true meaning of Christmas isn't about gifts or money but rather about love - a gesture best made with a generic gift card for exactly $20 dollars.

Aside from my fundamental problems with the idea of gift cards (although, when it comes to any other aspect of life, my usual motto is: the less thought and effort, the better), what made me laugh this gift season more than anything else was the following transaction between myself and an optimistic if not over zealous holiday shopper.

Me: How much would you like the gift certificate for?
Customer: Twenty dollars please
Me: Perfect. And is there anything else I should write on it?
Customer: put "from Santa"
Me: You know it says "Media Wave in Fairfield" right there on it, and not "The North Pole", right?
Customer: Yea, that's fine.

Now, trying to get your kids to believe that there is 1 old fat man who brings dozens of expensive toys that he and some elves have somehow made by hand in his workshop - toys these kids see on TV and in toy stores clearly made by brand manufacturers - to millions, if not billions of kids (but only the good ones), on one day and only one day once a year is already hard enough.

To think Santa even has enough energy for this exhausting feat of agility, despite his many degenerative health disorders from his morbid obesity and the fact that he is at least 500 years old and lives on a diet of milk and cookies, is ridiculous. Believe me, the people at Cookie Crisp cereal are lying - cookies, while delicious, are not so much nutritious, and do not provide you with what you need for a day's work.

Then parents expect their kids to believe that this one hard-working superman toymaker also happens to be available for 2 weeks before Christmas to appear in their very own local shopping mall, and logically, no one else's.

And on top of all that, they try to pass off a gift certificate for a store in their own town as being from Santa, despite how it is obviously sold exclusively to Media Wave customers. As if before he stopped of at little Timmy Smith's house, Santa went into the local video store and asked for a gift certificate. "It was the only thing on Timmy's list this year, and he was a very good boy", Santa would say.

But I guess it works, and that's what's wrong our nations children - they're dumbasses, and so are their parents. There I said it.

-Jordan

Happy New Year Card

2007-01-03T22:55:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone
A new one from my on going series of Cardz Wit At'tude, otherwise known as the "Hey, I'm a dog" series of generic holiday cards. Happy New Year, yall!

This and all other cards from this series are available at www.heyimadog.blogspot.com, the official Hey, I'm a dog! site. Enjoy, and feel free (please, I beg you) to spread it to your friends, leave them as comments on myspace, print them out for your friends and family, give them to the homeless (it's the least you can do). But if you do, try to post a link to any of my 3 websites (this one, blog.myspace.com/whattheballs, or www.heyimadog.blogspot.com)

Thanks. Safe carding.

-Jordan

Trucker? I Hardly Know 'er

2006-12-26T10:50:00.002-05:00

We get many customers that stumble in drunk, and therefore finally able to appreciate classics such as "Little Man", "Dinosaur Valley Girls", movies from the continuing series of "American Pie Presents" and "National Lampoon's...", and continued appreciation of "Family Guy". The only difference between the jolly juicers stumbling out of a bar and the ones we get stumbling in is that our drunkards stumble in at 10 am (which is usually before we get there to open, and we are, generally speaking, sober).

One such customers walked in this morning and slurred through the words that sounded something like "Ehhh, you got any new movies?? the one with Marky Mark?"

Based on my experience translating idiots, I surmised that he wanted "Invincible," and to my surprise he actually had the required drivers license and credit card that it takes to open a rental account. So what's the significance of this story? This isn't any ordinary disheveled wine-o renting Mark Wahlberg movies (if I had a dime for every one...). This wine-o was a commercial truck driver. There's nothing like knowing that people responsible for hauling around tons of potentially murderous steel (especially if the truck is possessed, which it almost certainly is) at very high and reckless speeds aren't only scruffy and burly, but also drunk.
But that isn't the best part at all. The best part, like all things in life and trucking, is much simpler. This drunk trucker's last name is KLUTCH.
No joke. I'd say you can't make this stuff up, but you can, and Hollywood script writers often do.

So knowing the awesomeness of a drunk trucker named KLUTCH, the real question now (which Drew keenly pointed out) is: Is he still drunk from last night, or is he newly drunk this morning? And which one makes him cooler?

-Jordan

We only followed the instructions, officer.

2006-12-26T09:44:00.000-05:00

We opened the store this morning to find a note on the counter that mysteriously read:

"-White kidnapped 2 months, 2 rednecks, 8 miles. Televised.

-Black girl kidnapped 45 minutes, either way out"

We have no idea what this means, but we assumed it was a set of instructions. We're the 2 rednecks, so it all adds up. Look for us on the evening news, I guess.

-Jordan

Merry Christmas, Christians

2006-12-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

New from my on going series of "Hey, I'm a dog!" generic holiday cards...

They will be available for purchase soon. Check back.

-Jordan

Broads, right?

2006-12-18T14:03:00.000-05:00

From time to time we get customers who are walking jokes, leaving us with very little effort to put into making jokes out of them on the internet.

The other day this woman comes in with her boyfriend to rent the next installment of "Lost" on DVD, which they rent every single day (seems like more of a commitment than just watching it while it's on once a week, but hey - live and let Lost). Nothing funny about this... until her boyfriend opens his mouth. In an attempt to make a joke (I'm guessing, and I commend him for trying to break the awkward silence that often occurs between customers and employees), he says in his deep guido-style brooklyn-fuckin'-accent,
"if that ain't the right disc, I'm gowna moyder ya!"
At this point it should be noted that he is wearing a fanny pack.

Then, feeling the need to defend himself for watching Lost (or for wearing a fanny pack?), he gives us the classic "Chicks, right?" speech.
"ayy, you start dating a broad you gotta start watchin what she watches, right?" (Which definitely deserved a "Badda-bing!" afterwards)
We all laugh, because it's funny.... though we're laughing at him, not with him.
Then she chimes in,
"it could be worse, I could be a stripper"
.... no, no you couldn't.

Badda-Bing!

-Jordan

A Lazy Man's Thanksgiving Post

2006-11-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

As a lazy man, I'm giving you a lazy man's Thanksgiving post.
This is from last year. Check it out, you turkey.
I'm not a turkey, you're a turkey!

Here's a preview:

This is a picture of my ball sack... er, a turkey. Same diff.

Happy Thanksgiving, even to the Jews... but not to the Native Americans. We try not to bring up that whole slaughter of their race thingy.

Debit or Credit?, Widescreen or Fullscreen? A: you're an idiot

2006-11-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

A couple of rants for today:

1. When you had me a debit/credit card and I ask you "Would you like to use this as debit or credit?" and you respond "Debit... or credit", it's not answering my question, it's just telling me that you're a dumb ass. I know that it can be used for either function, that's why I asked. Now I have ask the question again: "OK, which one would you like to use?". Thanks though.

2. The widescreen/fullscreen question. I'm fine with having to explain the differences of the two screen formats and explaining their advantages and disadvantages, but not when it goes like this:

Customer: "should I get wide or full?"
Me: "Well, let me explain both formats to you and then tell you why you should get widescreen..... (enter explanation here). So which one would you like?
Customer: "Well, I have a widescreen TV, so does that mean I should get widescreen?"
Me: "Are you fucking kidding me? What do you think it means? GOD DAMNIT PEOPLE"

Am I wrong in assuming that if you know that you have a "WIDESCREEN" TV that the answer to the widescreen or fullscreen question would automatically be answered?

Fucking hell.

-Jordan

Coyote Ugly: A New Kind of Table Top Manners

2006-11-11T20:41:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day:

A young girl brings up the DVD box for Coyote Ugly to show her mother, her mother says "I danced on that bar!"

Then they rented it together. Because after all, it's better for a young girl to see objectification of women if her mother is there to put in the proper persepctive for her to understand... Even if that perspective is one of a bar table dancer. Gotta love "Cool Moms"

(pre)Halloween Quote #2

2006-10-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

I've never quite gone into any depth about our UPS man, but suffice it to say that the stereotypical "crazy postman" is not exclusive to the federal postal service, and may even be redefined by our UPS man. I guess if your job forced you to wear officially issued matching brown socks every day, you might be a little insane too; but which came first: the chicken or the egg?
For examples of his utterly strange, sociopathic tendencies, here are a few short summaries of things he's told us:

-Through some sort of pervert- grapevine, we became aware that he likes scheisser (or "scat") porn. Fortunately we don't rent that kind of material... yet.
-He went on some kind of sky-diving-for-Jesus vacation, which he video taped and had us make copies of.
-His other vacation was to visit the site of the Oklahoma City bombing, which he enjoyed so much that he made it the destination of at least one other vacation trip. Come on, that's pretty demented.

So today he came in and said "I hate Halloween, all the kids running around... This year I'm going to dress up as Mark Foley."
For those out of the loop, Mark Foley is the former U.S Representative who sent dirty instant messanges to young boys (and then blamed his behavior on "alcoholism". Yea, you and me both, buddy). It would be a pretty funny joke/costume, if he had said it with any hint of a sense of humor. Though now I am thinking about how funny it would be to use that as a costume tomorrow when all of Fairfield's tiny costumed kids walk down Post Road, or "Safety Street" as it is being promoted as for Halloween, to trick-or-treat, with me standing there handing out candy in a suit.
When parents say, "Well aren't you dressed nicely! Who are you supposed to be?"
and I say "Former Representative Mark Foley", the look on their faces would be priceless. And by priceless, I mean costly, since it would probably cost me my job.

That doesn't mean I won't do it... come by tomorrow to see.

-Jordan

(pre)Halloween Quote

2006-10-29T11:16:00.001-05:00

(pre)Halloween quote of the day:

Cute Little Boy: "I'm dressing up as a Power Ranger!"
Me: "Awesome! Which one? The Blue Ranger?" (cause that was the white guy in the show)
Cute Little Boy: "The Forest Green Ranger!"
Me: "Forest Green? Seriously? That's a ranger? Wow, that's pretty gay"

Forest Green? Did they really run out of colors? What race is forest green supposed to represent, the Irish? Give me a break.

Also, this dude just came in with gold earrings on each ear that cover almost his entire earlobe - not unlike 4-finger rings - that say "FREAKY" in fancy letters. If I had any money, that's how I would spend it.

-Jordan

I have an oriental friend, so I can say that

2006-10-15T13:49:00.001-04:00

I was just assisting a startlingly jovial, almost wacky man who reminded me of Will Farrell as Harry Caray. Outside of this resemblance and his overall demeanor and awkward (intimidating?) height, nothing made the experience particularly blog worthy, and then it happened. Out of nowhere, and I mean nowhere, he started doing what most would consider an extremely un-PC impression of an Asian, or as he might say, an oriental.

I said "that'll be 3 dollars"
and he goes "tree dollah! tree dollah!", as if me saying a dollar amount warranted and welcomed his best Vietnamese prostitute voice. This actually marks the first time in my retail career or my entire life where a good offensive Asian impression wasn't called for. Had he added "me love you long time", it would have been a home run.

I smirked out complete confusion and lack of any other better response (perhaps I should have said 'Sir, my mother was a Vietnamese prostitute. Take your movie and get out of my sight"), thinking it was some kind of strange fluke in his normal, socially acceptable behavior. How wrong I was. On his way out, he went back into racist stereotype mode and muttered nonsensical Chinese-sounding words to himself while walking, as if only for his own amusement, which was clearly achieved.
"Ching chang ting tong wong fong ding dong", and so forth. A regular buck-tooth, slanty-eyed yellowman rice eater, alright.
His pointless offensiveness notwithstanding, you can't beat some classic racism to lighten to mood and bring a smile to your face. Me rikey!

-Jordan

Customers doing their part to change the world, one rental at a time

2006-09-27T14:23:00.002-04:00

Customer: Was Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang a book?"
Me: No... but it's a pretty good movie
Customer: Hmm... Well, I have a problem supporting Robert Downey Jr. movies, so...
Me: Oh.. OK. Well, I'm not sure he'll really feel the affects of you boycotting a DVD of his movie at a local small town video store, but OK...
Customer: Yea... it's a personal choice of mine.

If it was a book would that have made it justifiable to rent? Perhaps then they could say they've read the book without looking like they support a drug addict's movies.

It always amazes me where people chose to invest their energy and discipline. I've heard all kinds of boycott cries from customers for political reasons, like hating George Clooney and his ultra-left wing politically baised films like Ocean's Twelve and Intolerable Cruelty.

Some might say that the public should stay out of the affairs of the personal lives of celebrities like Robert Downey Jr., or stop caring about the political views of do-gooders and activists like George Clooney, but I say that's not the point. I say once you become a celebrity you should stop having a personal life and stop caring about the world around you, because it's our right as a society to judge you for whatever we want in pettiest form imaginable: movie rental boycotting.

-Jordan

The Biceman Cometh

2006-09-06T13:42:00.000-04:00

Your humble over-hearer is now a published news man thanks to this blog, the very blog that so many members of my family, friends, coworkers and fellow bloggers call "useless", "pointless", "stupid" and "gay" (though I assume the last two are slang terms meaning "awesome" and "happy", respectively).

The Fairfield Weekly now has the honor of being able to call themselves the first official publishers of my work, and I am proud to be represented in a paper which featured this on the cover of their last issue:

(midget ladies is pimps too, go on brush ya shouldas off)

I was asked by The Fairfield Weekly to write some kind of mocking satire on Bo Bice and his upcoming appearance at Norwalk's Oyster Festival. It's no surprise that the paper that awarded Media Wave with Best Video Store for 5 years in a row (or something like that) would come around to the truth that we need more of The Showcase of Depravity to seep into the lives of everyday Fairfield County folk.
Please check out the following Weekly-related and posts: "Media Wins Yet Another Popularity Contest, County Rejoices"
and "The Wall of Shame: Another Showcase of Depravity showcase of depravity"

I'll bet he first one to admit that this article is a little long considering its subject matter, but fuck you. Of course it ended up getting circumcized the fuck up, so I prefer to give you, the loyal readers, an opportunity to read the Unabridged Jordan, in all its rambling and long-winded glory.

The Bice Man Cometh

Bo Bice. You know him as that “gentle” southern rocker who didn’t win American Idol last year. If you live in the Fairfield County area (and if you are reading this, you most assuredly do), you might also know The Bice Man (my pet name for him, but I’ll give it to you, the fans) from the rockin’ billboards placed strategically around the most rockin’est parts of major roads to promote the most rockin’ Oyster Festival since the one before. But what do we really know about this man whose rock is about to leave those in attendance on September the 9^th virtually sock-less? Come on, it’s Bo Bice. ‘Nuff said.

The name Bo Bice is a real name’s name. It is the soft rock equivalent of a porn star name, which is usually the sexual equivalent of a rock star name. If Dirk Diggler were on American Idol (and not already named Dirk Diggler), he’d probably be named Bo Bice. On the scale of manliness, “Bo Bice” is right up there with a bar fight, with extra points given because he’s from the south. For his fans, especially the female fans, the name exudes heterosexual appeal, and yet to his many naysayers (see: results of American Idol poll, hipsters), the name “Bo Bice” is so very, very laughably gay.

Of course it is not his real name. A name like that, with it’s solid American limit of two syllables and convenient alliteration for the nation’s attention deficient, would be too good to be true; a name like that is given only to sexy leading men in soap operas or taken on by ambitious porn stars. In that same delusional spirit, the nick name “Bo” was given to him by his grandmother who, for obvious reasons, felt he resembled Humphrey Bogart. His real name, Harold Elwin Bice, III, is not nearly as cool or sexy to hear screamed from adoring female fans of all ages, so Granny Bice wisely insured that if for no other reason, “Bo” would leave no jeans uncreamed.

With his long, flowing hair and carpenter’s beard, Bo looks less like Bogart and more like Jesus, if Jesus was a rocker, which, despite what my progressive youth pastor told me, he most certainly was not. He looks even less like an American Idol than Jesus, who is himself unfortunately less an American idol than Bo, if you feel my subtle socio-political judgment there. I suppose it’s no surprise that he did not win the popular pop music superstar reality contest with his rock stylings, though it would have been a nice change of pace from the blow-out-the-back-of-your-head-with-a-shotgun radio goo goo that usually comes from that show (Clay Aitkin - I’m looking in your direction, Kelly Clarkson – you’re cool).

Bo’s defeat is no indication of his fan base; in fact the internet seems now to be devoted to two things: Snakes on a Plane and Bo Bice. American likes to know what they’re getting. With cleverly titled fan groups like The Bice Squad, Bona Fide Bice and The Bice Effect, there is no lack of buzz about Bice news, including the upset over his past drug record. A southern rocker with a drug record? You’re kidding. One angry poster said “A drug addict should not be an American Idol”. No, just an American president. Since people generally have more interest in the election of the Idol than they do the president, should we be surprised that Bush’s years of drug abuse had no affect whatsoever on his election or job, but Bice was almost impeached.

Before losing a competition to a girl, which is inexcusable in my book (especially if you have a beard, as he does), Bo Bice got his start as a young rebel wowing middle schoolers with his vox by winning local singing competitions. Though performing inspiring renditions of songs like “God Bless the U.S.A.” in the heart of the south is like literally preaching to a choir, he won and we’re proud of him. American Idol allowed him to keep that same demographic as when he started.

Since then he’s played in several bands, most of which cover the diverse influences of Rock, Southern Rock, Blues Rock, Christian Rock and Country, or in other words, Southern Rock. There is however one notable exception, his early band “Purge” which is listened under “Rock/Metal/Hip Hop”. One can only hope that he pulls out a few old Purge classics when he plays Norwalk this month.

Other acts worth mentioning at the festival of oyster are Asia, who most American Idol fans only know from the signed poster owned by the virgin in “40 Year-Old Virgin”, but who actually deserve the respect that comes from being one of if not the only band named after a continent still touring. Come to think of it, they might be the only band named after a continent ever. Also appearing is the decidedly less geographically named singer Dion, whose timeless hit “Runaround Sue” was among the first American classics to introduce the long-running theme of loose women, which spawned the genre generally known as Gangsta Rap. It’s going to be a great show.

The issue is supposed to come out today. I'm not yet sure if my glowing face will be on the cover, or if it will be more midget strippers, or both. I'd say go buy a copy, but it's a free newspaper, and I've just given you the article, so your work is done unless you want to find out what else is happening in your county (if you live in Fairfield County).

Thanks for the years of continued support that I assume you people give me and The Showcase of Depravity. Look for more Depravity in later issues.

-The Jordan Factor 360

Customer Fashion Watch

2006-09-01T13:20:00.000-04:00

CUSTOMER FASHION WATCH: T-Shirt Edition

One customer is wearing the exact same shirt that he wore yesterday, which happens to be promoting the Intergalactic Space Academy (which may or may not be from Lilo & Stitch, though I think/hope it's a real school). I'm not one to judge a shirt recycler, being one myself, but if you're going to wear the exact same thing two days in a row, you probably shouldn't go into the same store where the same employees from the first day will be there to mock you on a widely ignored blog.

Another customer, mid-40's and resembling a balding pear, is sporting a classic t-shirt for Snoop Doggy Dogg's less classic second album, Tha Doggfather (yes, he still referred to himself with the "Doggy" in there back then). The spherical shape of his huge beer belly made the word "Doggfather" look 3-D, which is awesome, even if a Snoop Dogg shirt is chemically designed to destory fat middle-aged white men, which it is.

This man has reached a level of hipster irony that has never even been attempted before, and he probably did it without any knowledge that he was being really, really cool. 20-something's everywhere only wish they could gain 100 pounds and age 20 years just so the fact that they are wearing a seldom seen early 90's gangsta rap t-shirt would blow everyone's mind. Oh well. Grand Prize goes to this guy.

The truth is, I really want both of those shirts.

-Jordan

Overheard at The Wave

2006-08-27T21:08:00.000-04:00

"I'm getting 'The Ice Storm'.... I dunno, it's a movie. OK, like, they take some ice and a storm and put them together. It's supposed to be really depressing, I wanna get it."

-Jordan The Overhearer

We Do, Actually

2006-08-22T15:49:00.000-04:00

This old, round giant of a man who comes up to the counter and makes us pick out the movies he wants to rent from a list and/or collection of index cards he carries in his front pocket came into day (whew, that’s a description). He’s so weird that we aren’t entirely sure if he’s got some kind of mental issues (not unlike the ones that prevent Jordan from proofreading) or if he’s just some wacky old guy. Either way, he’s pretty innocuous, and let’s us in on his thoughts about “Snakes on a Plane” (he wishes there was more of the huge snake and wants us to keep him updated if there are any further “Anaconda” films) and our service record (he calls me Mr. Hospitality, with good reason, and rates Paul as a D+).

Anyway, today he took the proverbial cake by asking me this:

“Do you have a dirty old man section?”

I kind of had to say ‘yes.’ I then awkwardly chauffeured him over to the “Mature” section, which is mostly comprised of titles in the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ series and a few miscellaneous other soft-core titles (some with hilarious names like “Playmate of the Apes”).

He made his selections and I checked him out.

I vowed that I’d never speak of it again. Until now, several hours later. Time heals.

Never forget.

-Drew

Q: When is a Hitler moustache OK?

2006-08-19T23:15:00.000-04:00

A: When a black guy is wearing it.

Then it's only offensive because it's ugly.

So let's add that to the long list of things black people can do that white people can't because they'll seem racist. Also on that list: shaving your head bald, and referring to African tribesman who throw spears and field workers responsible for cotton gathering by other shorter, more convenient names.

Today I noticed one of our many, many black customers (we have all the seasons of Sanford & Son, so, you know...) wearing an unusual and tragically underappreciated style of moustache: The Toothbrush, otherwise known as The Hitler.

For those readers that did not graduate elementary school (the statistics tell me that's 78% of you), Adolf Hitler is sometimes known as the man responsible for the attempted elimination of an entire race of people.

However, he is more often known for the unintentional but severely permanent bastardization of the first name Adolf, the last name Hitler, and the one time alluring moustache style also worn by men of great repute like Islamic intellectual Sayyid Qutb (pictured to the left), homeless comedian Charlie Chaplin, and most recently, Michael Vale, or Fred the Baker to the public.

Granted, Fred the Baker came after Hitler had ruined the stache for the rest of us, but his pioneering revitalized version was more flared out, and in contrast with his inspiring chubby cheeks and cute-old-man smile, we knew that Fred would sooner supply you with a dozen assorted donuts, a large coffee and a smile than exterminate your race (and I think that's one of the reasons we loved him).

I'm not so sure even Fred could get away with that kind of fashion statement these days. Until today I couldn't imagine a situation in which the sporting of The Hitler would not inspire cringing and disapproving evil-eye stares.

And then I saw him. He was standing proud and entirely pro-Semitic with what I'll call his "Upper Lip Soul Patch", confident that because he is black, his personal grooming choice was not in any way reminiscent of the worlds most infamous mustachioed dictator (although, it seems trendy for almost every single infamous dictator known to history to have a moustache, so maybe it's fitting for the most infamous to make the most indelible mark on the moustache world).

Other great things ruined by Hitler: the very sharp looking red arm band, the Hindu swastika symbol for well-being, the good name of white supremacy, and the lives of the Jews. What a dick.

Apparently Apple is taking a cue from our black customer in reclaiming something made taboo by Hitler by designing a red arm band iPod holder. My fear is that while not being offensive on its own, it will most likely attract neo-Nazis to the iPod family, and that's not cool.

-Jordan

SOAMFP Mania hits the customers...

2006-08-19T20:03:00.000-04:00

including the customers who are too old to be wearing a Snakes On A Plane T-shirt. You can't tell from the picture, but this guy looks like he's in his 50s (late 40's, to be generous). I'm not sure if I give him a lot of credit for keeping up with pop culture trends (especially those that are more or less contained on the internet, which is usually a humiliating and terrifying zone for people over 50), or if this guy wearing this SOAP shirt makes that shirt totally square and uncool now.

Either way, all the cool guys know that THIS is the coolest SOAP shirt out there.

Keep up the enthusiasm, customers!

-Jordan

SOAMFP Mania sets in at The Wave

2006-08-17T17:36:00.000-04:00

Because we are stand-up citizens and masters of our race, the employees of Media Wave have been awarded, among many other prestegious honors, VIP status at the local movie theaters. This status comes in very handy when a certain mania about a certain motion picture event involving a certain kind of aviation machine and a certain slitering biblical creature.

In other words, us mothafuckas get to see SNAKES ON A MOTHAFUCKIN' PLANE a little earlier than the rest of yall suckas (and for free... however, we all decided to donate $9.50 each in support of the film because we knew it'd be worth every dime).

Since our Super-Important Awesome-Dude VIP screening is scheduled for 10pm tonight and Media Wave officially closes at 11pm, Drew was handy enough to come up with this amazing sign to alert the public.

We trust customers will understand. And if they don't then they can kiss our schlock-lovin asses!

-Jordan

p.s. this will surely become a t-shirt (Adam, I'm looking at you, electronically looking) and it will be available for purchase for fans along with other Showcase/Wave merch like the Lil' Jordan Tribute Can.

p.p.s. Snakes aren't dangerous for their venom, they're dangerous for their poop. Excerpt from a CNN article:

"It's the poop," Jules Sylvester, head animal trainer for the new Hollywood movie "Snakes on a Plane" said Monday at a news conference to publicize the film.

"They will poop everywhere," he added.

you read it here first, folks! (because I assume no one who reads this blog also reads CNN...)

We have clever customers

2006-08-16T12:20:00.000-04:00

One of our customers answering machine messages says
"leave your name, your number and your measurements and I'll get back to you"

So I said "this is Jordan from Media Wave, the number is 255-8643, I'm about 9 1/2 long, 3 1/2 thick. hit me up, sexy"

No, I didn't... but I should have.

Customer Comment of the Day

2006-08-13T14:08:00.000-04:00

Maybe the best response to the question "would you like me to include the bonus feature disc?":

"The what? uh, what is that, like, you play that? Or... what? Like it's another one of them discs you just put in... and it plays?"

my response: "Yes, it is also a disc you play"

his response: "oooh really? Hmm... then yes, if its another disc"

Ridin' Dirty

2006-08-13T12:59:00.000-04:00

You know what's more annoying than hearing dumb punk bitches blasting bass-heavy crunk rap with the volume turned all the way up and the windows in his souped up 1993 Honda Civic rolled down?

A preppy American Eagle-dressed punk bitch blasting string-heavy classical music with the volume turned all the way up and the windows in his 2005 Volkswagon Bug rolled down... while parked outside the store so that everyone in the downtown area can know what a douche bag he is.

That's what I call ridin' dirty. I'd love to see a black cop pull that guy over for suspiciously calling attention to his own racial stereotype. Now wouldn't that be ironic.

-Jordan

Kids These Days

2006-08-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

Excerpt from a conversation I had with a cantankerous old woman:

"Kids are so bombarded with things on screens these days. From televisions to video games, it's too much." [I was in complete agreement with her until she continued in a very morbid and masocistic line of thinking]
"These days kids aren't exposed to the pain of boredom and loneliness that people in my generation faced."

I was afraid that if I didn't cut our conversation off soon she would start telling me about the tv-less, friendless, sunlight-depraved childhood she forced on her poor son.

"He's an A student", she claimed.

Yea, we all know what those kids are like.

Bottom line: Books are for squares, and apparently for disturbed loners.

-Jordan

Gourmet Nuts for sale

2006-08-09T12:40:00.000-04:00

We just got a candy machine that dispenses Gourmet Nuts.

I got your gourmet nuts right here!

-Jordan

That half-dingo ate my baby!

2006-08-06T14:23:00.000-04:00

This wacky guy who resembled Will Farrell's Harry Carey came in the store with an odd looking creature that appeared to be some kind of a dog.
When we asked him about it he told us it is half dog, half dingo.

After we got over laughing about that the owner said
"He was bred to be kicked in the head by cattle", which we agreed was the best possible description for anything ever.

Interestingly, that's also what Adam's mom said about him. HA HA! Zing!

-Jordan

Blame your kids, it makes you feel better

2006-08-02T16:40:00.002-04:00

Parents blame their kids for a lot of troubles and shortcomings in their own lives. For instance: their unplanned birth forced the parents to give up their careers which, given the opportunity for nurturing and development, would have grown into something fabulous and endlessly rewarding; whereas the same nurturing and development now given instead to the child only results in a constantly disappointing and financially draining reminder of what could have been.

Understandably, in a situation like this the child is responsible and should be held accountable.
However, there are other situations that children have no control over and cannot be expected to, like driving the car to a movie rental store across town to return DVDs that are accruing major late fees on their parents credit card with every day that passes.

It amazes me how many parents will turn to their young ones after being told of a late fee and say to them condescendingly, “The movies were late again. Whose job is it to return them?”
To which the children rightly reply, “Yours?”

In this situation, the kids use an airtight defense. “But I can’t drive! How can I return them when you’re at work and I can’t drive?”. The logic is sound and irrefutable. This is why we tell the parents what the due dates are and not the children, because we’ve learned, as these parents will come to learn and accept, that children are dumb and only care about themselves (much like their parents).

Until we pass Proposition 254, the proposition to change the legal driving age to 7 (which I ambitiously submitted to the state at age 6), kids can’t drive cars. If they could, they would rule over the night like their teenage counterparts do, but they can't. If they can’t drive cars, and they’re anywhere in the range of ages 4-14, they have no business returning movies. They think about ice cream and fire trucks and ponies and queer shit like that (or in the case of 14 year olds, drugs and sex), not rental due dates.
Just the other day I saw a little girl talking to herself about how much she loves Winnie The Pooh. She even made up a song about it, and it was quite good. I had that shit in my head all day. One thing I know is that this little girl will never make up a song about when her DVD rentals are due back.

Many times parents will reprimand their kids even when it is the parents’ movie that is late. And the parents dispute the most insignificant late charges too.

The other day I helped a guy who had a $2 late fee and instead of settling his bill and then talking to his children about their issues with being responsible on the ride home, he starts questioning his 8 year olds about why they insist on continually returning things late. Can you even imagine the thought process that goes on to assume that an 8 year old insists on doing anything, let alone insisting on not remembering when the family's DVDs are due back? My question is why he insists on playing the blame game, cause that game is no fun. Then, with a straight face, he actually said to his son, "Two dollars!? We won't be able to afford the boat if you keep screwing up like this."

That's right parents, blame your kids. They're going to blame you for their lives in the long run, so you might as well be one step ahead.

Oh, Fairfield County, if only you were aware of how ridiculous you are.

-Jordan

Frazzled Sweaty Guy Quote of the Day

2006-07-27T13:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm just standing here, enjoying my freedom, when this guy comes in, red-faced and sweaty. He looks like he's just biked the Tour De France (or at least listened to the Kraftwerk song a bunch of times and danced his little ass off). He rushes up to the counter and says, in a frantic manner:

Tell me you've got blank audio tapes.

Presumably his girlfriend was being held hostage by sadistic gangsters and if he doesn't compile the most awesome fucking hair metal mix tape in the next fifteen minutes, she'll be killed.

Ignoring this probable, horrible situation, I just shot back

Yeah, well, we're a video store.

Also, it's not 1984.

And he looks at me, the desperation (and the alarming need to put Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" on his mix) and goes

But the & MORE!!!... Media Wave Movies & MORE!

Checkmate.

He dashed out.

More as it develops.

The pee hits the fan

2006-07-26T18:50:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday Drew and I were trudging through another dreary 2 hours of aimless banter that we call a radio show when Drew received a text message from home base, The Showcase of Depravity itself, that when read aloud on the air sent the entire studio full of 5 guest DJs into a fit of laughter.
The text message read something like this:

"A kid just peed all over the floor in the middle of the store. Paul is in a fit of rage"

Believe it or not, this is not the first time a child, when left to their own devices by irresponsible parents, let free their natural urge to relieve themselves on our floor (the very floor on which kids and adults choose to lay around on).

Apparently some baby was left in a stroller in the middle of the store and when the mother pushed the stroller from the spot it had occupied for a while there was a large wet stain next to or underneath. So either it soaked the seat and it leaked through, or the kid arched his stream out of the stroller. I am told that the mother and her husband were both aware of the accident and just picked up and left instead of claiming responsibility or offering to clean it up, or even an apology.

It's one thing to drop DVD boxes on the floor or spill a soda and pretend nothing happened and leave. It's quite another for two people who are supposed to be responsible parents raising a child to function properly in the world to display such a lack of all decent behavior that is letting your child urinate in a public store and then ditch the scene of the crime.

Someday Paul will actually carry through with the homicidal rage that obviously consumes him when these things happen and parents like that will be given an example of what should happen when you are so selfish and stupid that you let your kid pee on a floor:
you get your head ripped off and shoved up your own ass in front of your child so that they can grow up knowing exactly how you lived before you died.

-Jordan

Customer Comment To End All Customer Comments

2006-07-22T20:05:00.000-04:00

Customer Comment of the Month/Year/...Ever?:

"I just put my mail in your return slot"

....

....... Seriously?

Yes.

You can't make this stuff up, folks.

I guess you have to give her credit for realizing it within the day she did it instead of coming back in a month completely confident that she returned her movies instead, refusing to pay the subsequent late fees and stupidity fees (the stupidity fee is something new we're considering enforcing). Actually, no. She gets no credit at all.

-Jordan

More pictures of people lying on the floor

2006-07-22T11:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while and the complaints are just flooding in. So much so that I was even thinking about blocking the comments section because I was overloaded with them in absence of quality entertainment. I mean 2 comments on the last post was just the beginning, luckily the commenting stopped before too much bandwidth was taken up. I guess what Bob Marley said is true, a hungry mob is an angry mob. I think later in the same song he says something about blogging.
It's not that it's been a slow two weeks for strange events at The Wave, it's more that I'm just lazy.

The silence is broken! Now for your viewing pleasure, two more valuable additions to my growing collection of pictures of people lying on the floor:

We recently put 2 little couches in the middle of the floor, which is either to give the elderly moviebuff a chance to rest from the strain that comes with standing and looking at a wall, or to cover up a big stain on the carpet. It turns out that whatever purpose these couches were meant to serve, they ended up just being a central location in the store for children to lay on and a neutral home base during store-wide tag games (which are carried out without care for our strict "no running, no merriment" policy).

However, not all children are crafty enough to use our couches to their advantage. Some of them ignore them outright or mistake the surrounding floor for a couch.

The child in the second picture, for example, somehow mistook the floor for the ocean and spent a good deal of time pretending to swim on the floor. Despite the power of his imagination, which never gets you anywhere no matter what Reading Rainbow tells you, he never got anywhere, so he got up and knocked some stuff down. If you think about it, that's the nature of life.

The band of teenage layabouts in the first picture failed to maximize the other couch, but they one-uped us instead when, as predicted by adults everywhere, they took a mile when given an inch. I suppose there is some logic in thinking that if the couch is open to them then so must be the entire floor.
They literally took up the entire width of the floor, allowing actual paying customers to step on or over them. After pretending to have to put things on the wall exactly where they were a few times, I eventually told them that The Wave isn't a some kind of opium den or YMCA where drug addicted freeloading teens can lay on the floor for free, but if they wanted to continue "hangin'" they'd have to buy some opium from me.

More stories of strange behavior coming soon. I promise.

-Jordan

(In case you didn't catch it above, check out other pictures of weirdos of all ages lying on our dirty, dirty floor: Floor Pictures )

By the way, if you haven't already, check out our radio show Brooklyn We Back on Tuesday nights 6-8pm on 88.5fm or www.wvof.org. Check us out on myspace at myspace.com/brooklynweback and our not-yet-updated blog, brooklynweback.blogspot.com.

For other entertainment needs, check out my other non-Wave related blog, What The Balls?
and Drew's zombie-related blog, Zombie Politics.

Cool Mom Alert

2006-07-09T10:39:00.000-04:00

If The Wave is any thing, it's a hotbed of Cool Mom activity. (See "Mean Girls" for a proper demonstration of what a "cool mom" is). It is important to understand that Cool Mom does not necessarily denote hotness or M.I.L.F. status, in fact the two terms rarely intersect in reality, though clearly mean the same thing in the minds of these moms. Let's face it, they think they're hot shit.
I just helped a middle-aged woman who had tanned her skin far beyond what's natural for still-living humans (she could be a zombie... a sex zombie), beyond even the orangey hue that has become normal for housewives and desperate females of all ages in this town. This unnatural orange-brown glow was most likely to allow her awesome, bright pink Forever 21 (what an ironic store name) brand girly tee tank top, which reads "SEXY LITTLE THING", to stand out even more.

It's one thing to strut your aging, surgecially tightened stuff around town while you're all alone, embarrassing only yourself. It's quite another to come into a local video store with your two pre-teen boys while wearing a shirt that is designed to help 13 year old girls attract 25 + year old men.

There should be a warning label on the shirt that says "Recommended ages 16-24. Best used when in a trailer park. If you are over 30 and you're even reading this, please leave the mall immediately. You're a danger to yourself and others and are likely turning your daughter into a slut".

The next logical step to this is seeing her on The Maury Povich show on the episode "My mom stole my boyfriend... and I'm a teenage mother!... and we're both going to Boot Camp!". Those are my favorite episodes.

-Jordan

Kids can't swear for beans.

2006-07-06T15:14:00.000-04:00

Today's children spew obscenity like it was... spew, that they're spewing, if you wanna use spew as a noun and a verb, as I tend to do. English people do that a lot, so that's cool.

So it's completely ordinary, almost comforting, to hear punk-bitch teens saying ridiculous things and swearing at the top of their lungs in public with such phrases as "that's gay", "that's retarded", "that's gay retarded", "you're so fucking gay", "fuck you, you gay fuck" and "gay fucking is gay as fuck", as well as chanting obscenities such as "Bitch! Hoe!" in unison down Post Rd. We've become so desensitized to the degenerative language of our nation's youth that it is only when they make a half-assed effort to clean up their school yard slang that we take notice.

I overheard 2 kids attempting to insult each other using profanity, only to be foiled by the conditioning of their clearly square, nerdy parents' mental nerdy influence over the years, resulting in an ineffective and outdated line of insults.

"You dumb crap. You're retarded. You can't bike for beans!"

Whoaaa. Wait a minute, did he just deride his friends bike riding abilities by saying that if beans were at stake for excellence in biking he wouldn't be able to do it, or something like that, whatever that weird phrase means? He did NOT go there.
The last time I heard the words "for beans" at the end of an insult it was at a local church picnic where the other alter boy told me I couldn't potatoe-sack race for beans, fightin' words if I've ever heard them. I said "that's crap! I can race for beans!" and since we were too wussy to fight, we just shook hands and ate beans, proving that at least we could shake hands for beans.

I could tell from their choice of the words "crap" and "beans", instead of the more dynamically used, tougher word "shit", that these kids needed some manlying-up. I took them out back and beat the beans out of them and they thanked me for it.

Kids, don't listen to your parents. Start using really offesive language at an early age. You'll feel like more of an adult and be ready for sex at an even earlier age. That's what I did, and look at me now.

-Jordan

Happy Belated Independence Day from The Showcase

2006-07-05T18:44:00.000-04:00

My July 4th gift to the world:

Keep freedom the fuck free.

This card is going to catch on, I know it.
Stay tuned for Father's Day Part II

-Jordan

Brooklyn We Back again

2006-07-03T21:39:00.000-04:00

What up er'body
This is a formal announcement of the second coming of BROOKLYN WE BACK, a resurrection of the most sexually gratifying radio experience any one has ever had on record to this date. Broadcasted from the midly religiously affiliated Fairfield University radio, the higher-ups soon realized that we were able to enduce female (and often male) orgasms simply through the power of our voices. Needless to say, they pulled the plug because they couldn't handle our truth.
It's been a full year since BROOKLYN WE BACK caused the simultaneous creaming of every female's underoos in Fairfield County, but this Tuesday, appropriately scheduled on the same day as the celebration of our nation's independence, BROOKLYN WE BACK is actually back. We are working on a deal with the water and laundry detergent companies because of the record increase in use of washing machines right after our shows, so we should be really rich really soon.

Be a part of history this Tuesday, before the decidely unsatisfying display of explosions that is the local fireworks disappoint your patriot expectations, let Brooklyn We Back and our amazing array of surprise guests and thinly veiled messages of revolution take you on a thrill ride that our forefathers would be proud of.

TUESDAY JULY 4th from 6-8pm on 88.5FM or streamed live on www.wvof.org

This one links to our BWB blog

And, be the coolest kid on myspace - become friends with your favorite local DJ's (well, next to WEBE 108's StormN Norman, that is) on myspace by clicking this awesome Jew-made banner created through Adam's fear of our wrath.

Also, you can call in the show and make fun of us, ask us relationship advice or request songs - 254-4111. Please do.

-Jordan AKA DJ Delicious

Disgraced tampon lies unclaimed on floor next to man's shoes

2006-06-26T21:23:00.000-04:00

Uh...

(We considered picking it up, but none of the employees are into girls that need those yet, so we just left it)

Father's Day cards

2006-06-21T20:31:00.004-04:00

"It's not Duck Tape, it's Duct Tape"

Sitting here in the late afternoon in nothing but a bathrobe, window open, with a diminishing concern for what the neighbors think, I can’t help but feel I’m becoming more and more like my father. This is why I decided that for this Father’s Day, to honor the man who made me the socially unacceptable man in his image I am today, I’d start saving early and put a little effort in this year. That’s right, I decided to buy my Dad a Father’s Day card.

To my suprise, when I went the local CVS around 1:30 AM the night before, they did not have the wide selection I usually give them credit for. But what I did find what was a bunch of garbage. There is a serious lack of creativity and originality in the booming industry of greetings and related cards these days, and yet it seems that with the declining quality of cards comes an equal but opposite effect of skyrocketing prices. It looks like gas prices aren’t the only American lifeblood affected by the War in Iraq. The average price for Father’s Day cards in America today? 8 dollars. Well, maybe 3-4 dollars, but my research conflicts with my poor memory and lack of fundamental counting skills, so we’ll stick with my original figures. 8 dollars for a card? Gimme a break.

When does it become inappropriate for a grown man to give a much growner man a card designed for a child? I'd bet between 3 and 8 dollars on never, and I hope I’m right. If, however, my 65 year old father does not appreciate cartoon tigers expressing the many thankless duties of fatherhood in humorous and wacky ways as much as he pretends to, I see only 2 other choices: make my own card, or venture off to the Mahogany section (which, oddly enough, if not so much about furniture as it is stupid marketers targeting African Americans).

Here’s an example of the kinds of cards you’ll find at your average store. This card is for Father’s Day, but any holiday or Hallmark-invented reason for spending money on Hallmark can be easily substituted for it.

Wait, what the duck?.... Oh, I get it! A DUCK! A TAPE! DUCT TAPE! hahahahaha. That stupid duck in glasses and a bowtie, which is already positively absurd, didn't actually get him a tape like a music cassette tape, he got him duct tape! I can only assume they chose that particular kind of tape because he is himself a duck. It's a clever pun and a good laugh had by all!

Do card makers have no shame? Is there anything called integrity or passion left in this field of art? Is that even a joke? It seems like the simple formula is “pick a word, any word at all, and make a bad pun out of it. Once you’ve gotten through the hard part, all you have to do is throw in a cartoon dad or a cartoon animal, or better yet – a cartoon animal dad! And then you’re done!”

So little effort was put into this card, and so little sense can be made of it, that it would be a crime to pay for it. What does a duck have to do with Father’s Day? Is my dad a duck? Am I a duck? Is that little duck supposed to represent me, the son, the card giver? I’ll tell you one thing right now, Hallmark, I may wear glasses and a bowtie, but I ain’t no duck.

I got a little tired of this formula, and the puns are bad even for me. This led me to creating my very own original “Happy _____ Day Card”!

It cuts to the chase and gets the job done without any stupid jokes ruining the fun. The formula is now: Cartoon Animal + Holiday = Card

You can add in any holiday of your choice – Birth Day, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Bastille Day, Boxing Day, Gay Pride Month Day, whatever. I chose to add Father’s for my Father’s Day card, but I was leaning heavily towards Gay Pride Month Day just to throw him off and see if he went along with it.

Check out more "Hey, I'm a dog!" cards at the brand new Hey, I'm A Dog Card Series! home page/superstore.

-Jordan

The future leaders of our nation marching for a better tomorrow

2006-06-21T13:27:00.000-04:00

What I'm about to report here is completely true.

I just witnessed a veritable parade of adolescent boys around age 13-14 (yea, it sounds like one of my perverted justice dreams, but read on) marching down Post Road yelling, nay, chanting the words "BITCH!!! HOE!!!!" on the top of their luongs. But they weren't just yelling it in an unorganized fashion - no, they seemed to have appointed a marching leader among them who called out the commands, but instead of yelling "Forward, MARCH!" he literally yelled "SAY IT WITH ME!" and "AGAIN!" and "LOUDER! BITCH, HOE, BITCH, HOE!!" as if it were any ordinary "LEFT, RIGHT" marching chant on an army base (well, for all I know they do chant "bitch, hoe" while marching on Army bases).

What is wrong with the youth today? Seriously. Who raises these little fucking monsters of society? I honestly think that finding out that your kid marched down Post Road in the center of town on a busy afternoon with a group of his demented delinquent friends screaming the words "BITCH" and "HOE" would be enough reason to beat the living hell out of him.

I was about to go yell at them, but then I figured that I would deprive every other business owner/employee and shopper in the greater downtown area from a really good story to tell their friends and co-workers later today. That's just not my right to do, so I just let them keep marching like the army of pathetic brats that they are. It's just unfortunate that kids like that are going to end up impregnating hot chicks at parties, and this is unfortunate for several reasons.
1. that morons are reproducing
2. that assholes get hot chicks
3. that's just one more hot chick off the market because she got knocked up by some little prick who yells "BITCH" and "HOE" while marching through downtown.

Sigh. I wish I was 13 again...

-Jordan

You Don't Know Breasts

2006-06-14T20:27:00.000-04:00

So I’m watching an episode of “Angel” in the store tonight (if that’s too geeky replace the word “Angel” with something more universally accepted, like “Full House” or “Golden Girls”)… Anyway… This guy walks into the store, looks up at the screen, sees a curvaceous Italian woman busting out of her shirt (on the television – sadly not in the store) and yells (I kid you not – YELLS) “Nice rack!” Then he asks if it’s Eva Longoria.

His name is Rocco and alcohol is rolling off his breath – enough for me to get contact-drunk.

Now, I don’t know if you keep up with your Us Magazine (or Star Magazine, or People Magazine or ABC’s Sunday night prime time line-up), but Eva Longoria isn’t exactly Chesty Larue. She isn’t even Tits McGee. In fact, in Hollywood’s Silicone-enchanced world of plastic superwomen, she’s positively flat-chested.

Let’s just compare and contrast

Carole Davis (from the episode of “Angel”):

AAAAAAND Now…

Eva Longoria (desperate, house wifey)

I’m not saying Eva isn’t super hot (she is) and that she doesn’t have a nice chest (she does) but thinking these two women are the same person is just kind of stupid.

No, wait, really stupid. REALLY STUPID.

More as it develops... Pun intended...

Drew

WWJD? Acid, probably.

2006-06-10T14:29:00.000-04:00

I was alone in the store today, hoping something cool would happen, and then fate walked right through the door in the form of a 20-something scrawny white kid and said, or rather yelled across the store, what I thought at the time was the strangest and most random phrasing of a question ever:
"YOOOOO! Do you have Jesus Christ Superstar???!"

I couldn't help chuckling to myself at the sheer unlikelihood of the word "YO" being paired with the sentence "do you have Jesus Christ Superstar", and that it came out of the mouth of some weird dude acting as if getting this film was extremely crucial to his day.

"Haha.. hah.. Uh, YO! yea, sure, of course" I reply. He may have thought my mild mocking of his question was funny at first, but he didn't really have the patience for it and quickly said
"yea, where? like no one else has it, I gotta get it for today!"

So I say "I don't think we can sell you one today, maybe we can order it. Do you need it today?"
and then he started getting all jumpy and freaking out and went on to prove me wrong in thinking his original question would be the strangest thing I'd hear all day.
He says
"Honestly, me and some friends are trippin' on acid and we gotta watch Jesus Christ Superstar!"

Ah, now it all makes sense. They've probably worn out The Wall, and playing Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz can only blow your mind so many times, so they went for the next best thing: The psychedelic, freaky, far out journey of Jesus Christ and his musical crucifixion! There's nothing trippier than dying for the sins of mankind, especially when set to a 70's rock opera. Madonna only wishes she could pull that off.

Needless to say, I went to his house after work and tripped my balls off to the lyrics of Tim Rice. If only that was the first time I could say that...
We tried playing it to the music of Dark Side of the Moon, but even with a whole load of quality acid, it just doesn't work. But that doesn't mean I won't try again next Friday night, and every subsequent Friday night until it does work.

-Jordan

P.S. watching Jesus Christ Superstar on acid is a blast, but watching The Passion of the Christ on acid is an entirely different thing. Not recommended if you don't want nightmares for the rest of your life.

I am immortalized once again - this time in can form

2006-06-10T12:04:00.000-04:00

This is the result of Adam's extensive arts & crafts skill having been held back in the first grade 4 times in a row. I think it's a pretty accurate portrayal of me and it's probably the best picture of me that I know of. It really captures many of my qualities: tall, cold, black, boyish good looks, made of tin, no defined nose, filled with orange liquid energy and if you ingest me more than 3 times a day you might suffer a heart attack.

It is fitting, in all seriousness, that my likeness be rendered in the form of a Monster: KHAOS energy drink can because I drink so much of that poison that within the next 2 years doctors have predicted that I will actually transform into the can itself because I will have replaced my body's percentage of water with Monster's glowing neon orange fluid.

Adam made this brilliant tribute/alter to me almost two weeks ago and it has remained next to one of the registers since then, giving each employee good luck and blessings. It's kind of like having a statuette of the Virgin Mary or Ganesha by your side all day at work - and I think the store is better off because of it.
This may be blasphemous idolatry, but it's not different then the other blasphemy commited on a daily basis at The Wave. At least it's waning us off worshiping Satan.

If you want a "Lil' Jordan Tribute Can" (trademark pending) for your work place or personal sexual uses, please comment or email me. Maybe this can turn into a little business. Of course, I will receive the majority of the profits because it's my beautiful image that sells them, but at least 5% will go to Adam for his labor. 50% of the proceeds may or may not go to a fund relating to Katrina or something.

-Jordan, or Khaos (my new nick name/super villain name)

Oh yea, did I mention that this can is also the first character in my upcoming family TV series "The Can-terbury Tales"? Well, it is.

Duh

2006-06-04T11:47:00.000-04:00

I think of all many frustrating and stupid questions that we get asked on a daily basis, the stupidest might have to be

"Do you need an account to rent here?"

Maybe I'm just a small town boy living in a lonely world and they do things differently in other parts of the world, but I've never heard of a rental business that does not require you to have an account. Even the library makes you open an account, and the only thing they ask in return for rentals is for you to put up with their bullshit attitudes. (I guess we do the same thing, only we charge you for it. )

In fact, the more I think about the many levels of stupidity that come along with this question, the more I can't understand how someone could possibly ask it. It's the kind of question that you ask in your head and then immediately answer it with the obvious "yes of course! duh! what was I thinking?". But apparently these folks cut out the middle man that is their brain and just go ahead and say any old thing that pops into their head.

Oh well, back to the grind.

-Jordan

Customer Comment of the Day - Mary-Kate & Ashley

2006-05-31T11:56:00.000-04:00

I just had an extremely uncomfortable conversation with a very old man who said a the following things about Mary-Kate and Ashley:
(When I showed him one of their movies made when they were around 8 or 9 years old)
"No, they are too old in that movie, I like them younger than that when they're cute. I used to watch all the old ones and laugh. I like to laugh."
"You can never tell them apart, except when they dance. One of them danced more sensual than the other"
"It's a shame what happened with that one's bulemia or whatever. You could almost see her rib cage. It's like paradise turned into hell on earth."
"The best part of their movies is that they over-act... [interupted by a lot of laughter, I suppose from remembering the hilarity of their movies]... but they did it well! And that was the best part. They over-acted, but they were so talented."

At first he was just talking about how cute they were, and I'm not saying he is an old pedophile necessarily, but then he started in on how they dance sensually... I think he was just very strange enthusiast.... but you can be the judge.

-Jordan

Customer Comment of the Week

2006-05-27T21:17:00.000-04:00

Customer Comment of the Week:

"Do you have a Reese Witherspoon section?"

yea... let that one sink in for a minute.

When the woman said that both Adam and I couldn't help but laughing out loud because we literally thought she was joking. So did the other customers in line. She was not. Adam got himself together enough to actually say to her "That would be nice, but that wouldn't really make any sense".

She could not have asked that question with any amount of forethought. It's not like asking if we have a Classics section or if we split up the Foreign section by the country, or even if we organize based on director like some more specialized rental stores do.
Think about the implications of organizing our store based on the leading or supporting actors and actresses.
What's even better - think about why on earth we would have just a Reese Witherspoon section. MAYBE a Robert De Niro section or something, but Reese Witherspoon?
Having a Reese Witherspoon section would be helpful only to that particular woman at that particular time. It would certainly be nice if I wanted a Sandra Bullock movie without having any specific title in mind if there was a Sandra Bullock section, but this isn't a perfect world.

Adam and I couldn't get over how awesome this comment was. I hope you enjoyed it on the same level.

-Jordan

I'm the victim of a hate crime

2006-05-27T10:23:00.000-04:00

I was walking in to the store from my lunch break and in order to do so I had to pass through a gauntlet of 13 year old kids who all think they're incredibly cool and everything they do is fucking hilarious (much like me). Fact is, it's not. But the following story is:

In the first part of my journey to the door a young girl stopped me and yelled "I LOVE YOUR HAIR". Not an unusual reaction from the ladies (of all ages), but this girl followed it in classic 13 year old annoying girl fashion and said "I'm your best friend now, will you be my best friend?" and offered me some flower petals.
I was like "say what? don't talk to me like that, Johnny Law might be lookin out, I don't wanna get pegged as a statutory rapist... again". She said "Be my best friend!" and I kept on a walkin. The nice thing about 13 year olds is I keep gettin older and they stay the same age.

I almost got to the door and, having thought I was through the heavy patch of adolescence, I walked confidently up to the door when this little ugly lookin black kid (I mention he's black cause it's important later, not cause I'm racist) yells from half a block away "ARE YOU A HIPPIE??".

I was flabbergasted. What do you say to that? I first had to question, Am I a hippie? Does the fact that people constantly ask me to sell them weed because I have a "wild red afro" make me a hippie? I didn't have time to reevaluate my life style choices, so I just said "What the hell did you just say?" and he walks closer and says
"Are you a hippie? Do you smoke fat joints, that you practically suck on all day, and do you believe in mother nature?"

I was stunned and had no idea how to reply to that. What a weird thing to say, huh? "Fat joints that you practically suck on all day"? Was he trying to say that I'm gay too, or does he just use colorful language without knowing its implication?
I felt like this bratty little bitch of kid had stumped me, he had won the battle of wits by saying something so completely out of the blue and weird that I had no way to squash his dumb little ego into the ground.
I said "uuh... I believe in nature, yea", which at the time I thought would make a fool of him because, after all, how do you not believe in nature? The kid was stupid, that's what I'm saying. Turns out I walked right into his spider web...

Then he walks up closer, SPITS ON THE GROUND NEXT TO ME and yells "Well I spit on your beliefs!" and then he runs away.
I start yelling profanities at him but by now it didn't have quite the same affect as yelling profanities at a child might normally have.

I go in the store to recoup and come to terms with the hate crime that was just perpetrated against me. I was verbally violated by a 13 year old and not in the way I like it.
I tell the other employees about my experience and as I'm finishing up the story the fuckin kid comes back in with 2 flower heads in his hand [I just realize now that he and that stupid girl were probably desecrating the meager flower bed that attempts to stay alive in front of the store. Those bastards!]. He's either going to try to make fun of me further by offering me flowers because I'm a "hippie who believes in nature", or try to apologize. I figured the latter (because by calling him a punk I bet I really taught him a lesson, that's how it works with kids), but either way I took the opportunity to put the fear of God in the boy:

"GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS STORE THIS INSTANT. YOU DON'T SPIT AT SOMEONE, YOU DON'T SPIT ON SOMEONE'S PROPERTY!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!! WHO RAISED YOU?! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!". I got all up in his grill n shit, it was pretty sweet. It was a surge of power I rarely ever feel among my peers, let alone quick-witting pre-teens.
Mike, who was with me the whole time, didn't think that was enough and still thinks the kid got the best of me. Maybe so, but I've never yelled at anyone like that, especially not a kid, and it gave me a nice feeling of power and a glance into my child-reering future, and I liked it. I'm going to raise bratty kids just so I can yell my head off at them and feel powerful. Next time you guys see some punk kid on the street, do the same thing. You'll thank me.

So later that day Kevin tells me that the girls that had originally asked me to be their best friend came in looking for the kid claiming that he had stolen 20 dollars from them. I knew that kid was a fucking punk. I mentioned he was black earlier because the girls subtly described him as "the ugly kid, you know... the ugly black kid".
Kevin's new theory is that kids in today's world and in this town are so corrupt that those girls probably concocted this story and the kid never stole anything from them but they figured since he was black they could get away with blaming him and maybe make a free 20 bones. I agree with him. Those girls were vicious. And apparently racist. So we've got racist coniving girls and

So, I might end up taking the kid to court for a hate crime. It's about time this town saw a Trial of the Century, and against a little bitch kid no less.

The Wall of Shame: Another Showcase of Depravity showcase of depravity

2006-05-20T11:20:00.000-04:00

A dear friend of The Showcase, who we'll call a dedicated fan for these purposes, recently came up with his rendition of what the Fairfield Weekly Best Video Store photoshoot would have looked like had they provided the strippers we explicitly requested.

So for any of you readers out there who want to get a good idea of what Showcase/Brooklyn We Back photoshoots and parties are usually like, peep this:

Never has photoshop, or microsoft paint, been put to better use.

While I'm at it, let's take a look at look at Media Wave's history through The Weekly photos. I call this

THE WALL OF SHAME: A photographic essay on the evolution of cool

2005:

"We make this look gooood"

This is actually our movie poster for the upcoming Media Wave production of "Weekend at Bernie's 3".
This picture is a classic on so many levels. As you can see, our level of professionalism keeps deteriorating with each year we win, and, in reaction to our shenanigans, Paul's keeps getting more militant. Paul is professional to the maxx, he's a profesional professional. If "profressionalism" started with an Ex, it would now be spelled just with a capital X (e.g: Xtreme Butter Popcorn).
We are clearly making Paul uncomfortable - no different than a normal day at work. He's thinking "I have to work with these lunatics, but do I really need to be photographed with them too? My family is going to disown me". Unfortunately, Paul's family disowned him after this picture went public. We're sorry, Paul.

2004:
"Why are you so distant?" This picture was actually taken during one of our emotionally painful squables. I was like "talk to me?" and Drew was like "not here, god damnit. Just be cool". As you can see, we did. If you look at our 2006 picture you see that we fixed everything and embraced eachother once again.
This image became the face of the Brooklyn We Back poster, and the sexiest picture in Weekly history at the time.
You may also notice that in each picture Drew's hair keeps getting longer, and you can never see his eyes. Even in the 2006 picture he is squinting. He's a mysterious creature, and he's becomin a long-hair hippie.

2003:

The Weekly put the following quote next to this picture in their article for the store:
"We're excited about movies. The passion is there."

Paul has a different way of showing his excitement... by not. The juxtaposition of Paul's "Get this over with" smirk while holding "Snow White", the most cheerful movie ever, is brilliant.

-Jordan

(p.s. - obviously, there is no offensive meant to Paul with this post. Paul is comically serious in most work-related things, it's just his nature, and we celebrate him for it.)

For full coverage of the 2006 award, click here.... or just scroll down.

Media Wave Wins Yet Another Popularity Contest, The County Rejoices

2006-05-17T16:50:00.000-04:00

Once again, the 2 stunningly attractive faces of Media Wave (Jordan and Drew, as if you had any doubt) had their gloriously pants-creaming images published in a major national magazine. No, not Tiger Beat or Seventeen (not yet, anyway), this time the Fairfield County Weekly was lucky enough to have the two Media Wave super-stars grace their pages. The Fairfield Weekly isn't so much national in the amount of states - or towns - that it is circulated in, but more it's spirit, so it still counts. We usually don't do charity press ops like County magazines, but we did it because we like to feed our egos, and because they paid us in fried chicken and mac & cheese - our standard wages at The Wave.

Here is the article for your reading enjoyment, and, at risk of overloading your computers with sexiness, our now classic picture will also be provided for the ladies (and so the guys can know what to model themselves after). No, we're not gay for eachother. Yes, this was the actual picture published in the newspaper.

(here's the link: Weekly Gets Sex'd Up)

Best Video Store

Media Wave Movies & More
6969 Post Rd.
Fairfield, CT
(203) 255-6969

Jordan Clifford and Drew Taylor of Media Wave Video

MediaWave has won Best Video Store yet again, and as usual, has a lot of new things brewing at its community gathering spot on Post Road in Fairfield. The VHS tapes are almost entirely sold and packed away, with the exception of some children's titles, allowing even more room for DVD and video game selections. There is a full-scale disc repair service now, and couches in the center section where the new releases are kept, so there's a lot less elbowing to see what's on the shelves. Of course, there's still the dollar-back incentive for returning a new movie the next day, the low rental costs (between $1 and $4) and the 12th rental-free deal. And, says Drew Taylor, one of Media Wave's longtime employees (he's on his sixth year), they're trying to add even more. "We're getting new TVs and working on a computerized kiosk so you can bring a printed stub instead of searching through boxes. We're digitizing the whole catalog." That catalog includes all the stuff you can't find at those cookie-cutter video stores, including extensive documentaries, foreign films, gay films, music films, and video games for all the new gaming systems on the near horizon. "This year all the major gaming companies are coming out with new systems," says Taylor. "We're talking about turning part of the store into a games and tapas lounge." Whether or not owner Paul Jordanopoulos will go for Spanish food inside his store remains to be seen, but the video game market is likely to remain a huge part of Media Wave's business. "The game industry is bigger than the movie industry," says Jordan Clifford, a four-year employee noted for his wild red afro. Box office sales certainly back him up.

You heard it folks, I, Jordan Clifford, am indeed noted for my wild red afro. I'm also noted for my wild red political leanings (down with capitalism, commrades!) and my wild style. Lucky for me, I was quoted on the one thing I know nothing about, and none of my unique Seinfeld-esque take on ordinary situations translated into print.

I wish I could thank the readers for this award and recognition, but not many of you had anything to do with it. In fact, for the most part, every achievement we've ever called our own has been due entirely to our talent, connections and sexual skillz, so where have you all been? Why aren't you guys out there saying "Jordan and Drew for town representatives!", "Jordan and Drew for People's 'Sexiest Men Alive' cover!", "Jordan and Drew for Pope!", etc.

So, to our beloved readers, enjoy this prize with us as yet another achievement of the Showcase of Depravity/Media Wave/Brooklyn We Back Productions crew, but you might want to take this time to reflect on what you're doing in your own life and in your own towns to get us even higher than we are right now. And by that I include chemically induced highs.

Ask not what we can do for you, but what you can do for and to us.

Thank you all, and thank you us

Jordan

Customer Comment of the Day V.2

2006-05-13T21:06:00.000-04:00

We were watching Star Wars and this guy who looked and sounded like he was pretty drunk and dirty came up with his lady friend and blurted out:
"Hey, ya think C3PO and dem are really queer?"

Knowing that he wouldn't appreciate gay robot humor on the same level as I would talk about it, I just said "Uh... well, it is the future after all"

"Yea, I heard someone saying they might be queer homosexuals"
followed directly by his lady friend saying
"Hey you like the Family Guy? I LOVE the Family Guy....

It's SO much better than The Simpsons"

It took all my will power not to jump over the counter and beat their heads in.

It's been quite a day for quotes.
-Jordan

(To clarify my outrage at this: 1. He was clearly drunk and stupid and blatantly used the word "queer" to people he doesn't know. 2. No offense to those who actually put Family Guy higher than The Simpsons, but the fact that his friend blurted out the Family Guy love randomly and immediately after the queer Star Wars thing is, to me, a funny representation of a lot of people who love Family Guy over The Simpsons and is indicative of the attention span and style of random and unrelated off the wall pop culture references that Family Guy is based around. Hopefully the light bulb in my head that went off as soon as I heard these two comments one after the other and seeing that they were hilariously related is evident to readers, otherwise this post was a waste of time like so many others may be as well. Whatever)

Customer Comment of the Day

2006-05-13T14:00:00.000-04:00

Customer Commet of the Day:

Woman to her daughter: "Remember when we read that movie?"

Employee Comment of the Day #2

2006-05-13T13:33:00.000-04:00

2 of the most obnoxious kids, maybe 8-10 years old, came up to the counter and asked where The Shining was. "Do you know where the horror section is?" I asked.
They said they did, so Kevin said "Well then, it's in the 'S' section for SH-INING."
They said "yeaaa weeellll, weee'vveee been looking for it for twwwwooo hoouuurss" in that annoying pretend-to-be-tired voice, which only enchanced their already annoying voices.
"Two hours, eh?", said Kevin, "Has it really been two hours?"
"well, 20 minutes I guess, whatever" said the kid
"Yea, I thought so" said Kevin.
Then they asked Kevin if he knows where the Adult Section was.
Kevin said: "Yes, it's outside the store in the middle of the road. Just go out there and walk toward the yellow lines"

Kevin is full of 'em today!

The woman who let her kids watch "The Shining" at fuckin 8 years old isn't just stupid, she was also annoying (she is her children's mother, after all. The apple doesn't fall far from the annoying tree). We have a pin pad (which allows customers to protect their accounts -which contain their credit cards- by only authorizing people with said pin number to rent) and this woman, completely unaware of her surroundings and what the hell she was doing at all times (I'd hate to be driving on the same street with her) just thoughtlessly sat her huge purse right on top of the pin pad which causes the computer to go nuts. Kevin politely asked her to remove her bag... twice, and then had to remove it himself after she moved it and then put it back on the pin pad... twice!

I'm surprised Kevin hasn't lost it already.... or maybe he has. That would explain his tendency for extreme violence against animals and children.

(Kevin denies the violence against animals. "I have to draw the line somewhere!" he says)

-Jordan

Employee Comment of the Day

2006-05-13T12:42:00.000-04:00

Employee Comment of the Day:

"I was smiling cause I was thinking of Kevin Federline in my head, it made me laugh" - Kevin

Temporary attention redirection notice for the short of attention

2006-05-13T00:28:00.000-04:00

Temporary attention redirection notice:

If you're bored of this page never being updated, wait until May 15th. That's when school is over. It also means summer is on its way and in order to keep up my healthy American Pride "White Picket Fence Pale" skin color for July 4th, I'm going to do everything in my power to stay out of the sun, aka working more and therefore blogging more.

In the mean time, I've been slightly more active fulfilling the myspace community's lust for me with my clever brand of commentary on pop culture and my comically slanted take on life over at What The Balls?

You can also spend some time reading Drew's Reviews v.2, Zombie Politics.

Look forward to Season 2 of the critically acclaimed and publically adored BROOKLYN WE BACK at a new time, which is yet undetermined, on 88.5 fm.

If you're so lazy that you don't want to do any of the necessary clicking, I'm going to go ahead and post a sample of WTB? for you here to give you something dumb to read, because I think I'm that cool.

Craisins: Make up your fucking mind.

Craisins... Cherry Flavor.
Cranberries fashioned like raisins, then made to taste like cherries?
Aren't they sort of diverging from the original point a bit?

Call me old fashioned, but if I want raisins I'll get me some raisins. If I want cranberries I'll get me some of them too. And if I want something cherry flavored I'll grab some Luden's sugary cough drops.

This kind of flavor mixing offends my sensibilities of what is morally acceptable for public consumption. If raisins and cranberries and cherries want to get together and do their nasty business, that's fine... in the privacy of their own pastures.
This is just another way that the liberal fruit-flavored snack manufacturers are trying to make it okay for unorthodox unions to be possible in this country.

____________________________________________________________________

Drew claims that the majority of my Balls posts are more pointless than the one the preceeded it, but I disagree. I say they're more pointlessful.
Either way, similar to the DVD of the Week post that you'd get here, WTB? offers the hilarious Random Picture of the Week. Believe me, you get what you pay for.

And, in case you missed them, here are most of the DVD Picks posts, include some related material.

-DVD’s of the Week – Most recent. Includes “Tortillas Again?” and “Spymate”
-Chuck Norris DVD Pick of the Week – “Good Guys Wear Black”
-Anime Porn DVD Pick of the Week
-My Baby is Black!, Boys Town, Pop Star, Blue Collar etc
-Film Classics of the Urban Variety (critics say, "Best post ever")
-Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Ganked, Chooch, and Nekromantik
-Samurai Boners, Teen Witch, Lou Ferrigno and Lifetime
-Gay Movies are So Gay V. 1 - Including The Hole and Slutty Summer
-Gay Movies are So Gay V. 2 - Including The Fluffer and No Skin Off My Ass
- Stallone's real masterpiece: Over The Top, Funky Monkey/ Monkey Picks, Twin Sitters etc
Follow up: The REAL Funky Monkey

-The Real Holocaust

And some others, just to mix it up:
Adam's first post (about a stalker)
The Cowboy, a Drew/Jordan colabo post
Enjoy.
Til next week, O faitful and bored readers who never comment or respond,

-Jordan "Self-promoter of the week"

Oprah for President! and other things only girls would say

2006-05-07T13:59:00.000-04:00

Drew was helping a gaggle of yammering chicks who were renting a bunch of stupid chick movies while I was sitting on the floor behind the counter next to him... filing DVDs (wink wink), and I overheard maybe the best girl conversation that has ever taken place. I don't think a series of more stupid and stereotypical things have escaped from the mouth of a girl, except perhaps "Ok, I really like you, so if it feels that much better...".

Having noticed the Oprah 20th Anniversary box set on our sale shelf, one of the girls exclaimed, like a child who has to blurt out everything that catches her eye, "Oh! OPRAH! I love her!" as she was handing her cash over to Drew.
Upon hearing this one of the other girls got excited, but being fairly sure that Oprah was not in the store and therefore not knowing where her friend had seen Oprah in the first place, asked the most logical question one could ask in that situation, "Oprah is on money now??".
This was followed by the equally logical statement from another girl, "I love Oprah! She should totally be on money!", which was met with a bunch of concurring thoughts, "mmhmm, seriously! Oprah is awesome" and "I really want that box set!".

Before this enlightening conversation they were giggling about how hot certain actors are and how cool it is that we have "Charles In Charge" (They're right, it is cool. I still have a crush on Scott Baio... and Willie Aames.).

After they left Drew made the keen observation that every girl that comes in before 5pm on a weekend after a night of partying the day before is dressed in a full oversized sweatsuit, often with more than 1 sweatshirt, as if covering themselves in loose-fitting clothes will mask the fact that they were half naked, drunk-grinding on and perhaps penetrated by a bunch of spikey-haired assholes (sorry Jeff) just 10 hours ago.

And people wonder why no one likes girls...

**Follow-up stupid girl comment: This is definitely not something only a girl would say, but one did, and it was great. A girl was at the counter sharing her thoughts on the movies for sale with anyone in the 10 foot radius and when she came to "Brokeback Mountain" she said "This movie was so disturbing!". Drew and I look at each other like "huh?" and then she says "I mean it was so personal. Too much information! right? Geez".
Seriously, like TMI. I don't mind seeing a movie about gay people, but if they're going to act gay then it's a little much.

-Jordan

The REAL "Funky Monkey"

2006-04-25T22:56:00.000-04:00

As you know, I've spent a lot of time on this blog (and in my life) talking about monkeys with the ability to lead corporations or fight crime. Sometimes both (like here, and here). Animal movie classics like "The Barefoot Executive" and "MXP: Most Xtreme Primate" show us that humans aren't the only ones who can lead miserable lives of quiet desperation in a corporate office, or xcell at Xtreme! sports (I think there should always be an !). In fact "The Barefoot Executive" will now be seen as not just a monkey classic (and one of the first steps of the Primate Rights Revolution which I predict for the next decade, which will give way to the violent ape uprising and ultimately the Planet of the Apes), but a chillingly prophetic tale predicting the state of the presidency today, and to a lesser extent, extreme sports.

Some more modern films focus on when monkeys ask not what their country can do for them but what they can do for their country like "Spymate", in which the government uses their best kept weapon - a clever primate - to save the world from the domination of a megalomaniac evil scientist; and the growing world of environmentalist ninja monkeys like "Funky Monkey", about a "high tech super chimp" who's a sex machine to all the chicks who goes up against an evil animal testing facility and helps a young boy genius find love. Did I mention Funky Monkey is also a super-Ninja secret agent football star, or something?

But while I knew in my heart that we would someday, as a people, be at the point where monkeys really did work amung us in the office, or really did save the world, I also knew that we were not there yet. Monkeys were not there yet, though "Monkey News" shows us that they've certainly been working on it.

Ladies and gentleman, that day has arrived.
Witness the real life "Funky Monkey"

Some might see this as a treat to the nation (Planet of the Apes, here we come), some might see it as a gift. I see it as the #1 way to fight terrorism, and boredom... and other monkeys. Either way, we must recognize the reality that there are monkeys out there being trained to fight and soon enough these monkeys will band together as an army. These are just cold hard facts, people. Whether they are with us or against us is the question at hand.

Well, the answer to that important question is: they're clearly against us. Just like Saddam Hussein and Al-Queda, our government has been training monkeys who will later turn into enemies of the country.
Check out this horrifying article about what happens
WHEN MONKEYS GO BAD!

There is a gang of murderous chimps on the loose from a monkey "sanctuary", or in less senstive "PC" terms, a monkey insane asylum. As the article says, a few security personnel simply entered the monkey facility and weren't looking for trouble. The chimps started hassling them, throwing a barrage of "yo mamma" insults and feces at them, and then murdered the security guards in cold blood. I can only assume they hijacked a vehicle and literally high-tailed it out of there.

My advice to this country: Arm yourselves. If you're lucky enough to not be attacked by a brutal human-killing chimp gang this week, the odds are one of your family members will. The 2nd amendment has never been more important - we may not be fighting against the tyranny of the British, but the tyranny of nomad monkey gangs hell bent on the destruction of man kind and taking back the earth. We all knew this day would come, they've already put one of their own in the white house, destroying the world from the inside out.
You have been warned.

-Jordan

Even vampires get lonely

2006-04-25T12:09:00.000-04:00

This guy just came up to rent something and after I looked up his account I noticed he had an embarrassing movie out late, so I decided to go ahead and mention it anyway.
"Did you bring back 'Crimson Nights'? It's 3 days late"

He gives a very hearty laugh and says with an amusing sense of conviction, maybe even pride, "Oooh YEA!! I returned it, it is definitely late. Boy was I drunk that night! I came in here and said to myself, 'hey, this store is fucked up, why the hell not?!'"

To understand the real humor in this, aside from the fact that he was drunk and said that The Wave is "fucked up" (which gives me endless amusement on its own), the movie "Crimson Night" has a subtitle to it that you should know.
"Crimson Nights: Vampire's Seduction".

Yea, he rented soft-core vampire porn... I guess you'd have to be drunk. But then again, we are the ones who carry soft-core vampire porn, and a lot of it to be honest, so is it The Wave that's fucked up for carrying it, or is it fucked up that there is a sizable market demand for this particular genre?

The answer, of course, is neither. What kind of movie rental store would we be if we didn't carry vampire porn, and more importantly, what kind of world would it be if there was no vampire porn? I wouldn't want to be a vampire in that world, that's for sure.

For the record, I am in no way adverse to any kind of porn, soft-core, vampire or otherwise.

I love when we get guys who think it's funny to ask if we have a porn section to get a laugh out of their friends, and then when I say "yea, sort of - it's over there, top shelf", they go "no shit, really? hold on guys I'm gonna check this out". Awkward... What kind of homo rents porn with his friends?

There's this one guy who goes straight for anything even close to porn. He came in yesterday and asked if we had the new releases for the week up for rental yet and we said yes thinking he wanted "Match Point" or something. Instead he comes up to the counter with the one kinky mature movie we got, which is actually a cult sci-fi lesbian vampire sex horror film from the 80's, Evils Of The Night. It doesn't matter what the plot of the film is, the suggestion of nudity seems to be the only thing that inspires this man to rent anything. However, the fact that it's alien vampire porn doesn't hurt.
This might actually find it's way to the DVD's of the Week post because it's so brilliant.
"Alien vampires have just landed from outer space in search of the one substance they need to survive... TEENAGE BLOOD!"

The synopsis from IMDB is "Sex-hungry teens are kidnapped by auto mechanics, who take them to a rural hospital run by aliens who need their blood as the key to their own longevity. "

It's an obvious allegory for the consumerism, indulgence and conservative government of the 1980's, and I say well done!.

By the way, I'm pretty drunk right now so when I wrote this post I was like "it's pretty fucked up... what the hell!"

-Jordan

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T21:14:00.000-04:00

Let's remember exactly what Easter means. It's not about bunny rabbits or chocolate eggs, it's about celebrating the sacrifice made by the man who has shown us the light. It's about being more like Mel Gibson.

This Easter, be more like Mel and sit down and have a chat with Jesus face to face. He's done enough tellin us what to do.

Mel Gibson, telling Jesus what's what.

I spent my "holiday" at The Wave with Drew, who may very well be the anti-christ (we'll find out on 06-06-06), while a hand full of people wandered into the store to ruin our quiet time. We thought about playing The Passion of the Christ on repeat for the entire day to drive people out with its brutal graphic violence, by then we realized it would probably just bring a lot of people in with its message... of watching brutal graphic violence. Instead we just performed some of our trademark impromptu vocal jam sessions and that drove most people out anyway.
It has been funny to listen to people ask Adam, the most Jewish looking Jew in the world, why we're open on Easter, as if they assume everyone in town is celebrating Easter. Since Adam's people are the reason for Easter happening in the first place, I think he should have had to work the whole day by himself.

Anyway...

Now, to amuse myself, here are some of those obnoxious GodSpeaks billboard messages that remind us that God is ultra-hip by referencing current pop culture trends,

and that religion is stubbornly archaic, keeping progress just out of reach...

which, in it's own way, is pretty hip considering all the liberal scienceheads that consume the media these days with their anti-American "scientific theory".

Happy Easter

-Jordan

DVDs of the Week (at last!)

2006-04-11T23:07:00.000-04:00

This week's long awaited DVD's of the Week post (going on several months since the last one) is an example of quality over quantity. Call me lazy, but I just didn't find that many DVD's worth mocking this week.
Like most DVD's of the week, these are extremely unique and groundbreaking films that go to great lengths to break established stereotypes and break the mold of popular movies.
Our first film does as much to advance the Mexican culture as it does to advance the art of film.

Tortillas Again?( La Movie)
I can't tell you how many times I've said that. Seriously, and I'm not even a beaner.

You probably thought "Comedy" was a pretty straight forward genre, right? Wrong. These days there is an even better branch of that genre called "Ethnic Comedy". It's where you'd file Carlos Mencia if he were funny.
I swear, every DVD cover on my personal picks list has to have at least one character looking up at the wacky star, giving the ol' "oh no you didn't" or "you so crazy" look, with their arms folded, and this character should preferably be a stereotypical ethnic mother. (see: Chooch and Ganked in my previous DVDOTW Post)
Considering that neither IMDB.com or Amazon.com have any kind of plot or review listing, in fact IMDB.com doesn't even list the movie as existing at all, I'm going to link you to the high quality TRAILER which involves at least 1 naked, soaped up Mexican and includes the classic Mexicano line, "wake up and smell the hot sauce", and it makes a special point to distinguish it as "Tortillas Again? La Movie", not to be confused with "Tortillas Again?" La acclaimed television series and La forthcoming Broadway musical.

The little Chihuahua at the bottom of the DVD does not make an appearance in the trailer, but I'm sure he's hilarious, as all Chihuahuas are. You can't see it in this small image, but he seems to have a mouse trap on his ear... Tremendous.

The studios website says that part of their goal is "trying to change Latino Stereotypes in Films", and I say keep up the good work guys!

Whoever said "there is no Matt Damon/Ben Affleck writing team in the Latino community as of yet" obviously hasn't seen this film (I think Matt and Ben were actually the ones to say that, perhaps during a fight with J-Lo). The script was written by the director's scruffy-faced 22 year old son and his friend, who are considered to be "the Matt Damon and Ben Affleck of the Latino community" (by his father, the director of the movie they wrote).
Interesting side note, Drew and I are considered to be the Matt Dillon and the Casey Affleck of the bearded community.

I can only imagine the wackiness that ensues with the guy playing guitar on the rooftop, but I'll have to watch it to find out and last time I checked I have slightly better things to do with my time, like watch our next movie of the week...

SPYMATE
If you know anything about me, you know I have a certain place in my heart (and my blog- click & scroll down) for movies that put kooky animals in human environments, and/or in tuxedos (see: The Barefoot Executive), and especially when it's a monkey.
Spymate takes the American government's next step in spy technology & development after its unsuccessful experiments with pre-teen Special Agents (which, despite the moderately entertaining films that it inspired, actually left many young Agents severely injured or dead) and puts it on film in an uncompromising look at the fast-paced thrilling life of an international super spy/sex symbol.
If you've found yourself a little disappointed with the last few Bond movies, which are decidedly lacking in the primate department, this movie will be a refreshing change for you.

(My favorite part of the cover is his Agent ID - they really went all out and took the exact same shot of him standing there and just shrunk it and put it in his wallet. Brilliant)

I think now more than ever, in these post-9/11 times, the world needs a film like this to both warm our hearts and to advocate international security without the use of guns and bombs. As you can see from the DVD cover, the monkey uses a banana instead of a gun and he doesn't look any less intimidating or dangerous. It certainly makes for a lot more people slipping on bananas left on the floor for hilarious results. If anything, the banana method is even more frightening and effective against criminals, as is the strangle-by-feet tactic seen to the left.

This film comes to us from the brilliant director/producer of the Air Bud and MVP series (he seems to have found his nitch) which have proven to be the longest and best animal movie series, respectively, beating out Beethoven just for the fact that Beethoven never wore a soccer jersey or performed Xtreme winter sports. He didn't even play the piano for crying out loud! My version of Beethoven would have been to re-imagine the famous classic composer as the St. Bernard, putting a whole new spin on history and taking some of the fluff out of those 18th century frilly shirts! Mozart wouldn't know what hit him, and "roll over Beethoven" would take on an even more literal meaning than they so cleverly used in the movie.

There are so many things right with this that it is at the very least an equal to its predecessors. First of all, the name of the monkey is Minkey. Perfect name for a monkey - hey, it almost rhymes!
Secondly, the story revolves around a little girl who is so smart that at the age of 10 she somehow invents and develops a revolutionary laser (of course) that an evil scientist needs to complete his villainous plans to destroy the world (of course).
Not only does the monkey use some martial arts moves that rival The Matrix (Next movie: The Apetrix?), but it actually has Mr. Miyagi himself, Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, playing the stereotypical asian karate trainer role that he got famous for (luckily this was just shy of being his last movie, but I think his last one is a movie called "Coming Attractions", a parody movie in which Pat plays a parody of himself. Interesting. Sad, but interesting).

I can only imagine that the training scene in Spymate rivals the one in Kill Bill V.2, yet another movie that could have benefited from the inclusion of a monkey in the cast. (Note: ALL movies could benefit from a monkey in the cast, including Air Bud)
Thirdly, this monkey does everything. It's as if it is a culmination of all the other MVP movies and this monkey has all the skills it worked so hard to attain in those films. As you can see from the picture, this monkey does not shy away from a mission no matter what it requires or how his life is risked, even if it means snowboarding down a mountain being chased by a huge avalanche! Now, don't confuse this picture for the similarly AWESOME film MXP: Most Xtreme Primate, where he does just about the same thing.

But don't take my word for it, here's the AMAZING TRAILER! You thought the MI:3 trailer got you pumped, well hold on to your asses, folks!

Very astute readers will surely remember that the same kind of monkey-agent was attempted by the government and depicted in the film "Funky Monkey". My only explination for another agent of the exact same nature is due to 1 of 2 things: the amount of international terrorism in the world has escalated to become too great for just one ninja monkey-agent to handle; or, the original monkey-agent had too much power and turned rogue, meaning that eventually Funky Monkey and Spymate will have finally face each other in an battle of epic monkey proportions. I'd bet on the latter, especially because for some reason that very battle ends up as the subject of many a dream of mine...

-Jordan

For other inspiring films, check out these great posts:
-Film Classics of the Urban Variety (critics say, "Best post ever")
-Maybe my personal favorite (besides the gay ones): Bikinki Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Ganked, Chooch, and Nekromantik etc. Where the classic "Boughetto" term first appeared and started a pop culture phenomenon! (also, editors pick at blogcritics.org!)
-Samurai Boners, Teen Witch, Lou Ferrigno and Lifetime
-Gay Movies are So Gay V. 1 - Including The Hole and Slutty Summer
-Gay Movies are So Gay V. 2 - Including The Fluffer and No Skin Off My Ass
-The one that started it all: Stallone's real masterpiece: Over The Top, Funky Monkey/ Monkey Picks, Twin Sitters etc

The Mark of the Beast

2006-04-09T15:40:00.000-04:00

I don't mean to alarm the masses, but I have just witnessed a sign of the apocalypse:
Someone just recieved $6.66 as their change!
FUCK, the mark of the beast.
As soon as they walked out the door they were impaled by a lamp post that fell over after a car hit it when swerving for a black cat crossing the street. Also damaged in the accident were several mirrors in the neighboring mirror shop that just happened to be there. This can only mean bad things.

Right after that an old man with a pointy black goatee walked in and I had no choice but to take the shotgun kept under the counter and blow his devil ass away. It turns out that he wasn't the devil after all, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

-Jordan

In other 666 news, "al gore - 666",
and there's a pretty sweet mutant biker gang you should check out

A couple things

2006-04-08T09:24:00.000-04:00

Sean and I were hanging out behind the counter just doin the damn thing and he looks over to the kids section, laughs and tells me to quickly look there too. As I turn my head, I see a little girl literally hanging on the dvd shelves, using the bottom shelf as a foot hold and leaning backwards, hoping the top shelf which she had latched onto would hold her weight. It did not. Right as I turned to see what she was doing, the shelf gives out and she goes flying off the wall butt-first onto the floor. She fell like 4 feet from the wall to the floor.
It was so fucking funny, but her parents were there so we coudln't laugh much. She didn't get hurt, but she made a nice little mess.
Needless to say, we were cracking up about it for a while. Kids are so dumb.

Speaking of dumb, I don't really understand why people have such a hard time understanding the concept of a BONUS FEATURES DISC. The function of the disc is implied in the title: BONUS (as in it contains extra things, matertial that is added to enhance the viewing experience, and also that it is an included as a bonus and therefor doesn't cost anything) FEATURES (as in supplemental features, added content for the pleasure of the viewer) DISC (as in it is all contained on a disc, just as the movie is, although since this is extra features it has it's own disc, which is a bonus to the disc with the movie on it). It's pretty simple stuff, and yet here is an example of the kind of questions I get every god damn day:

Me: would you like the bonus features disc that comes with it?
Customer: What? (confused, frightened look) I don't know what you're talking about! What
does that mean?
Me: "Memoirs of a Geisha" has a bonus feature disc, do you want it?
Customer: NO.

OK, what the balls? I purposely answered her question with almost exactly the same words that confused her the first time and all of the sudden she understands and, of course, doesn't want it. I mean, if you really like a movie why would you have any interest in added bonus features about it? You wouldn't, so I can't understand why studios keep putting time into making them!

As another example of this, the average dialogue goes like this:

Me: You got the Batman Begins DELUXE 2-DISC EDITION, should I assume you want the bonus features disc?
Customer: HUH?!? What are you saying to me? A whazza whazza disc? A bonus whatta disc?
Me: A BONUS FEATURES DISC.
Customer: Uhhh what on earth is a bonus features disc? What could this possibly be?
Me: It's a disc ...
that has bonus features
Customer: Well what do you mean bonus features? What's on it?
Me: You know, like bonus material, extra features,
supplemental stuff
Customer: Ooooh. Well does it cost anything extra?
Me: No, it's a bonus.
Customer: Ok.. No, I don't want it.

By the end of the whole ordeal it isn't worth even asking, I should just assume no one wants it. My point is these are simple words I'm using, and I keep using the same ones: BONUS, FEATURE, DISC. I use those very same words to answer the question about What is a bonus feature disc? because THE ANSWER IS IN THE FUCKING QUESTION!!

And finally,
This woman came in and said "where's that other guy with great hair?"
I said, "ma'am, all of the employees at Media Wave have great hair, I'm not sure what you're implying"
and she said "Of course, I mean the guy with the huuge brown hair. It's PERFECT! I LOVE IT!"
"Oh, Adam. Yea, his hair is pretty perfect, I guess..."
She says "No, it is PERFECT. I LOVE IT. I told him I do, I just want to touch it!. It's just so awesome. It's 'GO TO HELL' HAIR!'"
"Go to hell hair?" I ask
"Yea, like he doesn't even care, he's just telling the world to GO TO HELL! with that hair! and it's so perfect, like a wig, I love that!"

Adam's "GO TO HELL" Hair/"Get Crunked" Hoodie

As soon as she left I got her driver's license number and Adam got a restraining order on her.

Hopefully some more wacky adventures this weekend!

-Jordan

Do dogs have hands?

2006-04-05T18:36:00.000-04:00

Tonight at work I decided that we should watch my absolute favorite childhood movie, the unparalleled masterpiece "Snoopy, Come Home". It's an emotional rollercoaster that shaped my life, and I am so unbelievably excited that it came out on DVD that I can hardly contain myself.

So in this film, Snoopy faces the problems of discrimination when he tries to go to the beach with Peppermint Patty but his fun is ruined by a sign that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". What else can he do but pubically protest this injustice? So he has Woodstock type up a letter to the editor of the local newspaper expressing his outrage, and signs it with the stamp of his paw.
Sean and I had the following conversation about it, which he found quite interesting:

Sean: I think I want to write a letter to the editor of my newspaper that is stamped with a dogs foot print
Me: What makes you think it wasn't Snoopy's hand print?
Sean: Do dogs have hands?
Me: What do you think?
Sean: They have 4 legs, there are feet on legs
Me: except on dogs
Sean: huh? dogs have 4 legs... so 4 feet
Me: Yes: they have hands on their feet
Sean: ... whoa..... what you just said put me in another place.

I blew his fucking mind. He could hardly function properly for the rest of the day, which made today no different for him than any other day.

This is just a small example of the inane conversations that have been had since Sean joined the work force. Welcome aboard, Sean.

-Jordan

Anime Porn DVD of the week

2006-04-04T01:36:00.000-04:00

Ah, Japanese Anime Porn. It's like real porn, only a lot more animated... and a lot more Japanese. In this case, that means twistedly sadistic, violent and bizarre... Oh ok, it means that in all cases.
Typically these films involve demon sex gods, often with multiple snake-like tenticles (Freud?), futuristic sex machines (as in literal machines, not James Brown) who may also be demonically possessed, sci-fi sex beasts, young budding school girls (lesbians who enjoy the hole and the pole, depending on the bidding of their demon sex god machine) and graphic violence administered abundantly on Asian girls with ginormously oversized breasts.

I guess when you think about, it's no different than your average American porn, huh?

The Japanese have a very blunt way of using porn to over compensate for their obvious sexual insecurities (e.g. in anime porn most of the men are big, tall & muscular hunks with enormous... hands. And the girls have abnormally huge... eyes.
And when I say "hands" I mean schlongs, and when I say "eyes" I mean gazungas, in case that wasn't clear)

When you work at a family-friendly store like The Wave, the absurd amount of disturbing XXX anime porn that you see being rented shocks you at first but then makes you laugh yourself silly. Later on in the process you cry, and then you're shocked again when you start renting it and enjoying it yourself. So it's a cycle... just like life.

This may or may not become a new featured series on The Showcase of Depravity, but this week's staff pick for Best New Anime Porn is:

Midnight Strike Force
Actual tag line: "Justice has never been so naked"
The only kind of Strike Force that has Midnight in the title is either severly ass-kicking or highly sexual. Mathematically there are 2 possibile things a Force does at midnight - Striking somebody down or striking some guys schlong in their mouth (credit that line to Drewski). So, that's the science of it.

Here's the way they put it on the description on the back of the box (and yes, this is seriously what it says, word for word):

"A super-secret cult of lesbians performs erotic experiments on bodies from the local hospital! Their purpose: to revive the spirit of their ancient leader in a virile human form. Now it's up to the Midnight Strike Force, a team of busty justice fighters, to go undercover (and under the covers) to stop the nefarious acolytes before they succeed in their diabolically dirty schemes!"

Finally, a midnight strike force that actually get the job done! America could learn from these fearless nymphos. I've always said it couldn't hurt the police force in this country to be a little bustier, it might help them in fighting for justice. But so far, those letters have gone unanswered. Way to go, "democracy".

When I read this, I stopped at "...performs erotic experiments on bodies from the local hospital". You don't really need much more of a plot than that - you've got your secret lesbian cult, you've got your unspeakable sex acts... that's a whole plot right there. Hollywood has used that forumla for years, the film pretty much writes itself from there on out. But this film takes the extra step further and, as if anyone was asking for one, reveals an actual practical purpose for this set up, which is, of course, for the lesbians to revive their demon sex god into well-hung human form. There's that demon sex god thing I was talking about before... It's like clockwork.

The real question is whether or not we want to stop a lesbain cult from reviving their sex god? Can it really be that bad? And even if we do, will they actually get done or will the busty justice fighters just end up in an all out orgy? I think you know the answer to that. After all, it does say that in order to go undercover they have to go under the covers, there's guaranteed to be sexy results.

I can only assume from the cover of this DVD that the Midnight Srike Force strikes in the nude (strategically brilliant, allowing them to easily move in and out of sticking situations - like each others vaginas - without the bulky nusiance of clothing getting in the way), and based on the glasses on the one to the right, one of them is the brains of the opperation.

I'm not going to admit that Drew and I watched this thrilling film together, just like I won't admit that we serviced eachother while watching it, or that this all took place behind the counter during business hours. But I will say this: Justice really has never been so naked.

-Jordan

Related links:
Read about Japan's latest advancement toward the robot apocalypse: The sex android
and their first step toward the robot apocalypse (which they are obviously looking foward to since they are propelling it in order to enslave their women with sex robots): Nintendogs, or The End of Civilization as we know it

Use your fucking head, would you?

2006-04-03T19:17:00.000-04:00

This might not be a frustration sympathized with or understood by some of the actual customers of this store, but nevertheless I'm going to vent something that has to be of the most annoying things ever.

We have a fairly simple system once you understand it (which should happen once we tell you what it is):
New releases are on the wall with 1 (sometimes 2) display box(es) face out showing what the movie is and multiple cards behind each box representing the DVD discs that are in stock. If you want a new release, you take the card behind the box. It is obvious that the single box is just displaying the movie.

Right? Easy enough?

So I can understand people not being aware of our system and maybe because of Cockbusters being used to taking boxes off the wall (even though they also use the display box system and you take a movie box behind it), however my complaint comes from people who are told exactly what to do and still don't do it right.

This guy just took up the display box only. My first problem with this is simple vision mixed with logic. You're looking for "A History of Violence", which is really popular new release title. By seeing that there is only 1 display box and taking it up to get the disc indicates, to me anyway, that you believe there is only 1 disc available. As in the box=getting the disc, 1 box=1 disc. If you bring up the display box, leaving no other display box, then no one else will be able to rent that movie.
Not only the mathematical logic, but the fact that if you're using your eyes to see the display box with big letters and bright colors saying the movie you want and then you take it off the shelf, presumably your eyes will also register that there is a large, unmistakable stack of black cards behind it with that same movie title on it. What on earth do you suppose those cards are for???

By this logic, only 1 person would get a copy of any new release, and once they did that they new release walls would be completely bare because everyone took down the boxes. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Then I tell this guy the correct way to do it, that you only need the card, and he comes back with the card AND the box!
WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THIS?!?!

WHY WOULD WE NEED THE BOX AS WELL AS THE CARD? We don't need the box at all!!

Sometimes people hand me a new release movie for sale, CLEARLY marked with a $21.95 price tag AND a big plastic security box. At the same time they hand me a card for a new release rental movie. I get them both and ring them up with the total of $25 or whatever it is, and they say "oh no, I wanted that for rental".
WELL YOU BROUGHT ME THE SALE COPY YOU MORON! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN!

I know this is a long post, but it really doesn't require this kind of analyzing in order to arrive at this logic. It would seem natural to me.
I can even understand some customers who don't get it at first, or forget what the system is. But this happens with people who have been customers for 7 fucking years! Get a damn clue already!

Anyway
That's my rant for the day...
There will be some more stupid question posts tomorrow, and they're good ones. You can bet your bottom dollar on that shit.

-Jordan

APRIL FOOL'Z!

2006-04-02T19:47:00.002-04:00

APRIL FOOL'Z!!!

I found this one site that had a bunch of vintage April Fool's post card with hilarious and bizarre pictures. Keep in mind that some of these pictures depict animals in compromising positions. No, it's not heaven, it's 18th century France.

The old exploding cigar trick! That one is a doozy. I've tried that a few times in my day and more often than not it ends up in a trip to the hospital and, in the worst case scenario, a face transplant.

However, for the few times this prank went off without a hitch (assuming I didn't plan on the destroying someone's face, or your definition of a "hitch"), it's definitely worth sending a few Fool's to the hospital for the sake of humor and national tradition. They deserve it anyway, after all they are the Fool.

In case you were wondering, this is what you guys would have looked like if you were to look in a mirror yesterday. The picture of an April Fool.
I like this one because it comes from a time when cigars weren't just for old men, crafty potheads and creative Presidents.
Even still, there is just no way that I will be able to say NO to a cigar that is offered to me, regardless of the date. It just looks too damn tempting. It's a risk I'm willing to take for that cool tobacco flavor.

This is very silly. I mean come on, it's fish wearing bonnets and hats, skipping along some aristocratic property from the 1800's. Also, because it reminds me of the last acid trip I had... at least, I thought it was an acid trip. It may have been a memory of Mary Poppins. They tend to be one and the same.

Oh how foolish these fish look, it's positively absurd! April Fool's Day is the height of hilarity.

And my personal favorite...
This is obviously a picture of... um, er... 2 well dressed clowns who are clearly... doing something, with a couple geese, geese being the equivalent of pet dogs for clowns back in 19th Century France. And this wonderful depiction of every day French life wouldn't be complete without the little pig, standing upright, operating some kind of device or doing something?

OOOOhhh OK, now I get it. The clowns are fixing their bicycle tire! And the geese and the pig are helping them... do that... what?

I think the biggest April Fool's joke is the one played on modern people by nature when she commanded that animals stop interacting with people and helping them with chores and mechanical problems. Think of the kind of world this would be if each of us had a pig walking around helping us fix our busted bike tires, or whatever else a pig could do... which, is apparently, anything. There's an old sarcasm that goes "you're as useful as a pig at a dance," which I now understand to mean "very useful."

Happy April Fool's Day everyone!

The End of Dayz

2006-04-01T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I knew this day would come but it came suddenly and without warning. It is the end of days for The Showcase of Depravity.
You may have heard about one woman who googled "media wave" and found a post on this blog that she thought was directed specifically towards her? (it wasn't). Well, that was the first sign. Now our mocking and outright bashing of particular customers, or one in particular, has come crashing down on the whole structure.
I am sorry to report, but Paul J (owner) has forced me to put and end to this website because of a customer, a very rude and angry customer, who googled his own name and found the one post we wrote about a specific customer using his name.
Legally, I can't use his name and I had to edit it out of the post, but here is the infamous post in question: "Cheap Asshole". You may remember it from last summer, but I hardly remembered it myself.
When Paul brought this to my attention he took me in the back to speak to me privately. He had with him 1 letter from the customer that was so angry it was almost too hot to touch. You might say it was too hot to handle, but too cold to hold. He also had with him a letter from the man's lawyer insisting that if Media Wave didn't want any charges brought against it for defamation of character that we should disable the website immediately. I was shocked, and Paul was finally ready to kill me. I seriously doubt any real legal action could be taken in any form at all, but it's enough for Paul to be threatened. I guess if you read between the lines I did say that someone should beat him up, and I did threaten to use his credit card to charge expensive things on the internet. But there aren't rules about that, are there?

You live, you learn. Like Alanis said.

So, it's been fun people. We've learned a lot about human behavior and the workingman's experiences. Hopefully we've made some friends along the way, and hopefully we've made even more enemies.
Check out What The Balls? and Zombie Politics for further blogging as well as Brooklyn We Back for your radio sex pleasures.

Please leave us some love before it's over.

Much Love

-Jordan, Drew, Kina, Jeff, and anyone else who has helped make this blog possible. It truly was, and is still, a showcase of depravity.

Don't cry over... your own stupidity

2006-03-29T18:25:00.000-05:00

I just helped this very strange woman who came up to the register admitting that she knew she had late fees.
"Ok." I said, having no idea who she was.
I told her how much her late fees were and she literally started crying.
She stood there tearing up, holding her eyes and sniffling. Then yelled to her son "did you find anything to rent?? lets go!"
So, here she is literally crying in front of me about her very reasonable late fees and meanwhile she's buying 10 videos, 1 video game and renting 3 new releases.
Look, lady. If you're going to cry about your late fees you probably shouldn't be buying 50 dollars worth of stuff in between fits of sobbing. Gimme a breaksville!

While she was paying she actually said "I'm going to pay the change in pennies... I really hate to break a quarter".

Seriously. Who the hell says "I hate to break a quarter"???

Who are these people? Right? I love Seinfeld.

-Jordan

The Bathroom Incident(s)

2006-03-28T00:31:00.000-05:00

The disgruntled and embittered employees at The Wave have a general distain for people under the age of 18 years old (well, then again we have a general distain for anyone between the ages of 1 and 100. So, yes we even hate 1 year olds, and we tolerate people over 100 for their sheer ability to stay alive and for their delightful appearances on Jay Leno). Kids just mess the shit out of everything. There are cute kids out there, don't get me wrong, and many that respect their parents who have taught them to treat things, especially those that do not belong to them, with respect. Those kids just don't come to The Wave, that's all.

Like most small businesses, we of course have a bathroom (the amount of Vitamin Water we drink per day would amaze you and all that liquid has to go somewhere over the course of an 8 hour shift) but, like most small businesses, do not necessarily make this bathroom open to the public. There are no set bathroom rules or acts which can gain a customer admittance (though we are developing a system of indulgences... mostly sexual) and this gives the employees full discretion to let their elitism run wild and blindly discriminate against anyone we see fit, regardless of how inward their legs are turned, hands betweens legs doing the "i have to peeeeee!" dance.

The Wave's bathroom is a small room in the back that has the sign "EMPLOYEES ONLY" clearly written on it. It's not even hand-written, so it's more legit than any of the other signs in the store that most customers choose to ignore. The room is used mostly for mid-shift coke snorting and quickies (or "too-quickies", as my girlfriend might say) while the boss is out, but is also sometimes used for answering the calls of nature.

It has become a beloved past-time for us to follow up questions like "where is your bathroom?" with answers like "it's the door with the big sign that says EMPLOYEES ONLY on it". Rarely is this sarcasm ever acknowledged, or at least hardly anyone ever follows that with "well, can my son use it? he's about to piss himself". Rather, it is taken to mean "it's that big welcoming white door in the back, go on in. Don't bother cleaning up after yourself either! and if you want to send your unpotty-trained child in there by himself that's fine too, just make sure not to flush!".

We have an alarming amount of grown adult customers who, I suppose after being raised in a barn (with an employees only bathroom... I guess), feel it's ok to just walk in and out of our private bathroom without asking. Then they don't even shut the door or turn the lights out. Even if I knew full well that I could use a stores bathroom any time I wanted, I would still ask each time if it wasn't a public bathroom. And while I might piss all over the seat, floor, walls and stocked toilet paper rolls because I'm a rock star, I would never leave it without turning off the lights or shutting the door. Who raised these people, coked up rock stars?

It has recently occurred to me that at least one of our customers, who is also notable for holding the "Worst/Rudest/Cheapest/Most-Worthy-Of-A-Good-Punch-In-The-Face Customer Ever", may come in just to use the bathroom, or even weirder, only comes in when he has to use the bathroom. I swear on my balls this man uses our bathroom EVERY single time he comes in. He is so cheap that I wouldn't consider it out of the realm of possibility for him to think he deserves a trip to our private bathroom with each visit to the store, and if he doesn't get it he will feel cheated or unsatisfied so he will go to the bathroom even if he doesn't have to go - just to get his full value of a visit to The Wave. IN FACT, I recently came up with the theory that, knowing this particular customer lives in close proximity to the store and is the cheapest man alive, tells his entire family to go to The Wave to use the bathroom so they can save on their plumbing bill. It really does make sense, if you think about it...

So I could go into all the many mini-stories of strange bathroom use and whatnot (like, if memory serves, Paul having to go help a mentally-challenged person out of the bathroom when she rang the "emergency" buzzer which makes a very loud and jarring sound through out the store when pulled), but I started this blog with one story in mind and that story is all you're going to get (um... except for the ramblings you just read):

The other day this ass-annoying little bitch of a kid comes up to me and asks if he can use the bathroom. I stop and review my experience with him so far that day: He had interrupted me on 2 different occasions while I was clearly speaking with another customer to ask me realllllly dumb and maybe deliberately annoying questions, and he had been standing around without parental supervision, watching "Last Action Hero" play on our TV screens for the last hour or so. Needless to say he was already on my nerves.

So being the kind soul that I am (Kevin would have said NO YOU MAY NOT in a very condescending tone without blinking an eye, as he does to customers of all ages), I said he could but made sure to add "but make sure you flush, turn the lights out and close the door when you're done", something you really wouldn't think would have to be added but is painfully necessary.

The kid is literally in the bathroom for 10 minutes. I thought he had left and I asked my co-worker at the time where that little bitch kid had gone, noticing that he was missing some of the best parts of "Last Action Hero" (really, the whole movie is the best part!). I decided I had to go and embarrass him by banging on the door and yelling "are you alright in there?", though I resisted the urge to yell "what'd ya do, fall in??", an urge that my father still has yet to get control of.

He said "yea I'll be right out!".
At least 5 minutes go by and I start to wonder that maybe he did fall in. That, or he was making a bomb of some sort.
Finally he comes out, leaving the lights on and the door open. I let out a sigh of frustration and go to make sure he didn't poop all over the walls (like many cautionary measures, this comes out of experience).

(let the suspense build)

The bathroom looks normal so I proceed to shut the door, unbuckle my belt and show that toilet how a real man pees into it (kind of a macho thing I do...) when suddenly my eyes are drawn to the toilet seat by the glimmer of the florescent lights shining off STREAMS OF CLEAR GOO SPURTED ON THE SEAT.

WHAT THE HOLY HELL!?!?!, I think. I shiver with disgust and then glance over to the toilet paper which I then find has also been defiled with disgusting gooey finger prints scrunched onto the dangling 6-8 square sheets of toilet paper from the roll. The toilet paper is thick with this unidentified clear goop and is left just hanging there...
I go to the door to open it and feel the same goop all over the handle!! AHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!
If you've seen "The Squid and the Whale" you'll understand where my fear is coming from.

Then I realize that this kid is like, 8 years old. This can't possibly be what it really really really looks like. I'm sort of puzzled but pretty pissed off knowing that whatever this is is still a fucking mess left by that dumb kid who had bothered me for an hour.
So I go out and find him in the same place he was before, standing in front of the TV watching Arnold say hilariously quotable lines.
I look at him like "you know you're gonna get it a whoopin, right?" and he looked back at me like "..yea, I know". It was really weird.
I said to him "what is that mess you left in there??"
and he said "huh? I didn't leave a mess".
I told him "look asshole, there is some kind of goo all over the toilet seat and toilet paper that you left there".
He looked at me wide-eyed and said "oh I’m sorry, that is soap."
"Well HOW THE FUCK DID IT GET SQUIRTED ON TO THE TOILET SEAT!?" I inquired
"I was washing my hands and then I went to flush the toilet and the soap dripped off my hands".
"But it is squirted on the seat, and it's on the door handle and you ruined some of the toilet paper with it", I said.
"I just used a lot of soap, I guess. I was drying my hands on the toilet paper."

Unfortunately the rest of the conversation didn't go like this:
"WELL I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR EXCUSES, BITCH. GO IN THERE AND CLEAN UP YOUR BIZARRE MESS!"
Instead it went like this:
"Well, you left a mess."
"Sorry".

After tasting the goo I decided it was not ejaculate but in fact the slightly less familiar taste of soap.

I am ashamed of myself for not beating that kid within an inch of his soap-squirting life, but I guess I'm not as quick to violence as say... my co-workers. And maybe because it turned me on just a little...

Seriously though, where would that kid get such a strange idea? Did he want it to look like he had just made love to the toilet seat? Was his goal to pull a ridiculously stupid and unrealistic prank to make me think that? I really just don't see the point. Unless maybe he really was dumb enough to get off the toilet BEFORE flushing, squirt half a bottle of soap all over his hands and then go back to flush the toilet while letting copious amounts of soap fall everywhere... and then wipe his hands all over teh toilet paper. The fact is that if he watched over an hour of "Last Action Hero" straight through, he might just be that dumb after all.

-Jordan

P.S. Sorry for the lack of blogs (again). The legnth of this one should give you plenty of reading. I've been pretty busy lately. Once again, subscribe to What The Balls? for more updated blogs when I'm not attending to this one.

By the way, you should already know to click on all the links that I provide on this blog extremely funny pictures I painstakingly research, but if you don't already do it click on the link fo "Arnold". It's great.

The Greatest Motion Picture of All Time

2006-03-17T12:51:00.000-05:00

Sure, this is only tenuously connected to the normal goings-on at the Showcase but it does excel in one thing which we absolutely eat up: ridiculousness. To spare. Also, it more-than-slightly resembles Sci-Fi Channel original movies, which we love. (I was just watching one such original, “Minotaur,” last night, in which the monster looked much less like a Minotaur and much more like a leftover puppet from the ill-fated “Tremors” television series. But I digress…) And you can bet your balls we’ll be recommending this puppy to anyone and everyone when it comes out on DVD (undoubtedly in time for Halloween), even if we hate the actual movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

Jordan's favorite line (obviously): "Enough is enough! I've had it with these snakes!" Sammy, you've done it again.
Jordan's favorite part of the trailer: The whole thing.
This concept is perfect: Snakes. On a plane. What more is there to say? Best Title Ever.

Samuel L. Jackson explains himself.

A parody.

A great blog entry about it.

THAT'S A LOT OF SNAKES!

Finally a holiday I can get behind (or in front of)

2006-03-14T17:15:00.000-05:00

Since February 14th is Valentine’s Day, and on that day us men shower our women with gifts, jewels, tiaras, chocolate, sports cars and Faberge eggs, you might wonder when OUR day is. The one were we get treated like the princesses we are. Well, it just so happens that some dudes, acting on the high authority of a little something I like to call “The Internet,” decided to go ahead and make March 14th Steak and BJ Day.

That’s right. Steak and BJ Day. (The guys who came up with this, probably not big into feminism.)

Anyway, there’s an official site with handy links and cards you can print out, with little gems like this:

Charming, right?

And where will I be on Steak and BJ Day? Let’s just say this: NOT CELEBRATING.

Happy Holidays!

D.

www.SteakandBJDay.com

Our first Brokeback Backlash

2006-03-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

We recently got our first out-spoken anti-Brokeback customer.

But first, a little background.
There is this guy that comes in who must be at least 300 pounds and 40-something but looks like a morbidly obese child. The only thing that could better complete this picture is if he were licking a big wolly pop. This is probably due to his innocent, cherub-like cheeks and that, oh I don't know, he comes into the store decked out in full Boy Scout uniform all the time.
When I first started working at The Wave he was not only the most bizarre but also the scariest customer because he was really mean to me and he reminded me of a fear I've always had of being molested by Boy Scout leaders and/or enormously fat men. I honestly saw him as a nightmarish pedophile stereotype, and I'm not sure if his decided stance on the "values" of a film like "Brokeback Mountain" do much to ensure this assumption.

So he asked me if "Crash" was good and like a good trouble maker I said "it was OK but it didn't deserve Best Picture. What a rip!".
So he asked me what I thought should win, to which I replied "Munich"... but if not that, "Brokeback Mountain".
That's when he paused, got silent, looked down and said "Oh? yea... I am glad it didn't win, it's not my kind of movie". Ok, no biggie there... yet. So I asked him "well have you seen it?" and then, like most people who speak out against it, of course he said "No, I never will. It conflicts with my moral values".
Then Drew piped in from across the counter with "What values are those? LOVE??".
I giggled a little bit, the 300 pound 40 year old dressed in the boy scout uniform didn't find it funny.
I think he said something like "No, it just isn't what I view as natural and moral".

Thankfully for him he approached the issue in a calm and rational manor and didn't say anything disrespectful, per se, although everything he said was offensive. For this reason, we had no grounds to attack him, even though Drew is constantly looking for good ways to publically ridicule any conservative or fundamentalists.

The point is that this guy didn't have to say anything about it at all. Not only did he not know if we cared what he thought or not (because we don't), but he had no idea if we were gay or, like so many people think, if we are a gay cowboy couple. Drew and I get pretty close and often bump and grind with eachother, even at work.
He had no idea how offensive his statements could have potentially been, but like most conservative religious folk who are outspoken against movies about the human condition which they refuse to see, he just had to open his mouth and put his point out there.

I expect for more of this to pop up when BBM actually comes out on DVD, so stay tuned.

For more on BBM, see What The Balls?

-Jordan

A Saga of the Year 3000...

2006-03-13T18:39:00.000-05:00

...Has

MOVED

Enjoy it there.

D.

Where Lazy meets Stupid and they have a big party

2006-03-11T21:02:00.000-05:00

Here's an example of not only how LAZY people are, but also how STUPID (a dangerous, but profitable combination):

Someone returned a late DVD in our outside drop slot and put CASH in the DVD case, presumably to pay for the late fee (but you know what they when you ass-u-me, right? So we don't) .

This is a stupid idea for a whole host of obvious reasons, the most obvious being that the Media Wave employees are both severely underpaid and immoral by nature and would take that money without thinking twice, leaving the customer with no proof of ever having paid. We are very much like mail men in that regard, among others ("going postal" might soon change to "pulling a Media Wave"), which is why there is a well known suggestion by the Postal Service to NOT send cash through the mail... The U.S. Postal Service has a similar warning.

But even on the off chance that Paul, our moral shepard, collected this particular return (Here's where the STUPID part conflicts so much with the LAZY), these people included 2 dollars more than was necessary for their late fee!

If you are that negligent with your money you deserve to lose it. You know what they say: A dumb yuppie fuck and his unearned gold are easily departed through no fault of their own oblivious stupidity. It's an old proverb, or so I'm told.

Epilogue:
You might be asking yourself, "So what did they do with the cash!?!". Good question. Since blow jobs run at least 5 dollars on any given back alley in Fairfield, and lunch costs at least 6, I decided against my better judgement to add it as credit to their account. However! This may seem too lenient for the crime of stupidity, but they're not getting off scott free. I left a note instructing that whoever checks them out next administers a quick and painful smack to the head of whoever this person is and to suggest that they avoid having children.

After Thought:
Then again, at least they willingly paid their late fee, which is far more credit than I can give most people. In a very twisted way this suggests some sense of responsibility - and hey, maybe the extra cash was a tip!
In that case, scratch what I said before. All is forgiven! Tomorrow morning I'm taking the credit off their account and pocketing the cash becuase, after all, it's what they would have wanted.

-Jordan

P.S. My deepest apologies for the lull in posting. Any reader of this blog is, by definition, out of all other ideas of better things to do and hanging on to their santiy by a thread, so stay with me folks! more blogs on the way.

Born Late

2006-03-09T12:03:00.000-05:00

This morning, this dude comes in all hurriedly and drops a DVD in the return slot, saying, simply:

"I was born late."

Then he dashed out of the store. (For those of you that are retarded and/or vote Republican: his movie was late.)

Isn't it funny that he stopped in, instead of driving through, so that someone else in this world could hear his witty little quip?

Afterwards I shook my head, went back to work, and thought nothing of it... Until a Google search informed me that former teen heartthrob and current showrunner of "Invasion" Shaun Cassidy once had an album called "Born Late." And what a fucking album it was.

The first 15 of our unlimited minutes of fame

2006-03-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

If you're reading this blog you've probably said to yourself, "these guys should have their own T.V. show", and you may or may not have added "...in the nude" to that thought, depending on how well you know us.
On the other hand, if you're reading this blog you're probably not a high-powered, hard-hitting local news reporter celebrity, so your opinion doesn't amount to much more than a hill of balls in this town.

Media Wave made the news the other day and this time it wasn't for domestic violence but rather for Dizturbing Tha Peaze. Well, at least that's what I remember the news story being called in my head before it aired. If not, that will be the name of the first album by The Media Wave Playaz, an all improvised a cappella group from the streetz.

Here's the story:

Yesterday morning Drew and I were just stone cold chizillaxin, just gettin our work on, when fate stepped through the door. After fate walked through, a news crew came in after. I had just gone to take a wiz and when I walked out of the bathroom, still adjusting my junk for proper post-wiz enjoyment, I saw some dude with a big video camera. I thought maybe "Cops" had finally done the episode on Media Wave that I keep requesting them to do, but it turns out it was News Channel 12 disrupting our business and interviewing our very knowledgable, "In Her Shoes"-rentin' customers about what their Oscar predictions are.

I tried sneaking by without getting noticed, but since I've chosen to have an appearance that prevents blending in anywhere, without or without orange/brown camouflage, I got caught out and forced to be on camera. A serendipitous event it was!

I was interviewed about why "Munich" should win but won't, and most importantly about why my employee picks are "Hollywood Shuffle", "Heathers" and the legendary classic "Teen Witch"(scroll down). This is the beginning of an already hip "Teen Witch" movement that will be next on the looong list of movements that started at The Showcase of Depravity.
Drew got interviewed for a while because he's obviously smarter than I am, and because he was dressed like a dock worker at the time (Dock workers tend to wear Lacost hats).

Eventually the interview naturally turned to flirting and we got her to offer us a slot on News 12 as pop culture anchors. After she pretty much said we were the coolest dudes in town and should have our own show we informed her that she should have already been aware of our hugely successful radio show "BROOKLYN WE BACK" and she said she'd love to do a story about it. Her only concern was that our level of sexiness was around an 11 when the stations clear policy is that sexiness must be kept to a 7 or less, and that ultimately the people couldn't handle our long hard truth.

What ended up on the actual news was the best 1 1/2 minutes of news that Connecticut has ever seen - they got knocked on their asses. When Media Wave gets interviewed on camera we bring da noize AND da funk, hardstyle. Drew got most of the on-air camera time because he's a diva - they actually filmed and aired him doing work while talking on his cell phone! What a little bitch girl, huh? Paul won't be happy about that.

By far the most clever part of the interview is when the reporter asked everyone the classic red carpet question, "So, Who are you wearing?". Delightful.
Drew got all the laughs by explaining that he stole his shirt from our friend Charles, but she cut both of our good lines off from the final on-air product. Luckily I was wearing a super sexy blazer on this particular day, a blazer which Drew had previously made fun of me for wearing but which made all the chicks watching Channel 12 5 O'clock News cream their pants.

They filmed our employee picks section, doing an extreme close up on my "Jordan's Boughetto Picks" sign (also see: "Boughetto" in the middle). It was amazing. Finally both "Teen Witch" and the word "boughetto" get the attention they deserve in the conservative media, which is decidely not boughetto. My only regret is that "Teen Wolf", my true favorite (not just of films with "teen" in the title or of films with "wolf" in the title, but of all films), didn't get represented and neither did "Trapped In The Closet", this generation's "The Godfather". But that's why it's called" show business" and not "show friends", if you know what I mean... I don't.

Funny side note - one of the customers they interviewed had left after she was done renting her movies and came back at least 10 minutes later because she suddenly remembered some story relating to her personal experience with the Oscars and she came back hoping the news crew was still there just so she could tell her story on camera. When she came back I asked her if she needed help and she pretty much ignored me then nodded in the direction of the camera as if to tell me "Uh, no, I'm with the camera crew, thank you". I wouldn't be surprised if she purposely left so she could go put more make-up on or even change her shirt into something nicer. None of her Oscar story made it on the air.

Message to The Man: BROOKLYN WE BACK are now kings of all media, there ain't no stoppin us now.

So next time you come into Media Wave you better recognize that you're dealing with celebrities who are better than you, not just video store clerks who are better than you.

-Signing out, I'm Jordan Chesnutt from Channel 12 News saying "Connecticut, Go on wit ya damn self"

(Chesnutt is my assumed news anchor name)

i'm a lazy bitch

2006-03-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to post something, since I've had a few complaints about the lack of updates. I apologize, you whiney bitches. Some people complain about too many posts, others complain when there aren't enough. Take your complaints and shove them where the sun does not shine. Here at The Showcase we only accept glowing praise and adoration.
Admittedly, this is maybe the longest I've gone without posting something new to The Showcase. In fact I've already screwed up the "Chuck Norris Movie of the Week" by not posting one each week so far... fuck.
So I'd like to say in the most sarcastic and nasal tone possible, Soorrryyy! I've been trying to, ya know, do something productive with myself, or something. Unfortunately I have accomplished nothing, and since I haven't been posting I've actually accomplished less than nothing.

If you're really starving for something, please let me direct your attention to the What The Balls? blog on my myspace account (I know, myspace is so gay). I update that pretty regularly since I put considerably less effort into most of those posts, but that's not to belittle their quality because they are CHOICE.

You can look forward to a bunch of new posts coming up, and maybe even an Oscar's predictions or reactions post, especially because this is, after all, the Showcase of Brokebackery (at least until the joke gets so old it dies and then gets resurrected and attacks us for our brains and then we blow its head off with a shotgun and bury it again, and kick it a few times like it was a dead horse), but considering that I have midterms next week, I'm not so sure... No promises.

Choke on that you Media Wave-hungry dogs!

-Jordan

Chuck Norris Movie Of The Week - Good Guys Wear Black

2006-02-18T10:57:00.000-05:00

As much as I hate to give in to popular trends, especially in comedy (Hey, anyone seen Brokeback Mountain? It's gay!), I maintain that I was in on this "Chuck Norris Craze" way before it got mainstream, because I've got my finger on the pulse of the underground. It's sweeping the nation with the sudden popularity of "Chuck Norris Facts", a website that generates random made up Chuck Norris... Facts. Good name for the website, huh? If you recall, we at The Showcase had spearheaded the "Vin Diesel Facts" movement that never took off which was a random facts generator made by the same people (they also have a Mr. T site).

Anyway, trendy or not, the Chuck Norris facts and the craze itself are pretty effing hilarious and I wholeheartedly embrace and endorse this trend.

That being said, I've decided to start a "Chuck Norris Movie Of The Week" series. In fact, he has so many that it might have to be "Of The Day".
So here's the first in our 432 part series:

Note: This cover inspired the idea for this entire series, that's how fucking awesomely Norrisean (I'm coining that term, by the way).

The lesson here: sometimes simplicity works best.
It's just Chuck Norris, with a kick ass stache, a stone cold "I'll fucking kill you" look and reflective sunglasses, like a no-nonsense highway patrolman who takes no guff from the punks... who seem to be skateboarding on his car?

And then there's the title: Good Guys Wear BLACK! It pretty much says it all.

The Plot: Norris plays John T. Booker, an asskicker name if I've ever heard one (and I have: my own), as a... you guessed it, a Vietnam vet who kicked so much unauthorized ass during the war that the C.I.A. is all over his ass. Now his squad is being killed off one by one and Norris has to go straighten some shit out. Heads are gonna roll. You find out in the end that Norris himself is the one who is killing all his squad members, because after the war he had no one left to kill*. It's a really nice Shyamalanian twist ending.

Apparently the reflection of someone jump-kicking a car in his sunglasses on the DVD cover is really a "monumental flying kick that Norris' character, John T. Booker, administers through the windshield of an oncoming car to his would-be assassin (a Vietnamese operative disguised with a blond wig and a Van Dyke!)" -From Amazon.com.
If that isn't the most meta thing you've ever seen, I don't know what is - I mean, the picture is of Chuck Norris watching HIMSELF administering a flying jump-kick to a moving car, pulverizing his assassin through the windshield.
Not just that, he is actually seeing his own actions in two different frame through each lens - he see's himself in mid-air in the left lens, and crashing into the guys face in his right lens. Does this even make any sense? Can Chuck Norris really multiply himself in times of extreme danger? Yes, of course he can, he's Chuck Fucking Norris.

When I look at this DVD box I think "FUCK YES". Someone actually came in at 10:15 to rent this, and when he came up to the register with this box I had a reflex reaction and yelled out "FUCK YES!" and then we high-fived. It was really manly and awesome. The guy who rented it also had a mustache

-Jordan

*I made up that twist ending, but it seemed entirely possible that it would be the real ending, didn't it?

Futher Reading: Read about the Chuck Norris siting outside the store

Adam's stalkers aren't that bad looking I guess

2006-02-17T18:02:00.000-05:00

As you might have read (see below), the Media Wave staff (collectively) has claimed yet another young maidens heart, just by stone cold chillin' and doin' the damn thing. I suppose in this case it could count as 2 young hearts, considering these stalkers work as a team, which could work out quite nicely for the particular employee they have their sights set on and creepy letters addressed to.
I think at this point, between the stalkers of the store itself and those dedicated to individual employees, we could probably get a small cult together and live in an isolated community of inappropriately directed love.

Adam had a few strange encounters and one very random Valentine's Day Card, hand written and delivered to him at the store days before Feb. 14th by 2 peculiar lasses, and we all gave a big "Awwww Adam has a wawintine!" and thought it might end with that. Oh, were we ever wrong. More pointlessly strange phone calls have followed, along with a written synopsis of their thoughts on the movie they rented from him (that Adam's never seen) that was dropped through the return slot in a big plastic bag one night, similar to anonymous way the Letters we used to get from my favorite stalker were dropped.

As promised, here are the scanned images of the new Letter/Thinly veiled death threat(If interpreted the right way... at least that's how I took it):

Clever. They decided to correctly fill out the rarely noticed "Contents" and "Date" section on most big plastic bags, but didn't pay much attention to whatever day it was, but at least it was important enough to note the month and the year for archiving purposes.

Notice they clearly addressed this to Paul, the owner of the store, who looks nothing like Adam. We know they meant Adam becuase they try to identify Paul as "the guy with dark puffy-hair", but I have no idea where they got Paul's name and who told them Paul was Adam.

When you get down to the actual content of the letter, there isn't much weird about it - Except that they selectively use the 3rd person. That, or they switch writers. "we thought it was kinda bad" - "Ann really likes.." - "Erin also likes...", instead of "I also like...". That, and the overall pointlessness of it all.
In fact, they aren't bad looking chicks, and they seem to wanna get all up on his junk. I wouldn't blame Adam if he hit that shit, and he'd get extra points if he tries to Houdini them. Just as long as they don't ask for a break on late fees.

This comes nowhere near the best stalker, who used rotating celebrity/world leader identities as his/her (are girls really this nerdy?) name in a desperate attempt to persuade Paul (not Adam) to buy a long list of his/her favorite obscure out of print cult sci-fi movies. He would also print it out on a computer and use different font styles to match which identity he was using (for example: he uses caligraphy style font when writing as the Queen of England), and he also put scented smiley face stickers on some of the letters (specifically the from written from the identity of murderous dictator Idi Amin Daba ...). Now that's what I call a stalker!

Anyway, we're hoping that this doesn't turn into an obsessive love relationship that ends with Adam's death because we really need him covering the weekend shifts, because Drew and I really don't want to.

Further Reading: Check out each letter from My Favorite Stalker (some linked above already) -
Letter I - The Queen Of England
Letter II - Idi Amin Dada
Letter III - Poopie Pants
Letter IV, V & VI - Trilogy of Terror (Enough already!)

-Jordan

Happy Valentine's Day - sincerely, Your Stalker

2006-02-14T20:00:00.000-05:00

Hi, my name is Adam, and I work at The Media Wave.

I'd like to tell you a story; a story about love, lust, passion, and murder, about sex, lies, and videotape.
Alas, I can not. I'd like to, but I'm lame. Anyway, here's a good one, story that is.

Ever since working at The Wave I've had... encounters. Blog worthy?... maybe... well yes. In fact, I can think of a couple right now, but butt face Jordan wont let me blog on the blog because, I'm a n00b.

But this one is so strange, so weird, and so appropriate for today... it must be told...

ne day, (the day before The Blizzard of 06® day) I was working behind the counter, line all the way to the back of the store, checking out people faster than all the other employees combined (nothing new there...). [Editor's Note: Adam, you're slower than a retarded monkey's step child, bitch]

Two girls step forward to check out.

(On a side note, which might make sense of this whole crazy story, but I doubt it... I opened the door for them when I came in.)

They rent three movies of which I can't remember, nor care to. Actually one was one of Peter Jackson's first films Meet the Feebles , which is pretty groovy of them. They were in and out. Not any different from any other transaction that day.

So maybe about an hour later there's a phone call, and Jordan says, "It's for you." This made me quite curious, because I have a cell phone, and when someone needs me they call that, not the work line.
I pick up, and answer, "Adam speaking". A girls voice says, "Hi, you checked us out before, and we got the wrong movie. Can you check my account, and see if you checked it out." Blah blah blah. So I found I did, no biggie. She said not to worry about it, and I didn't, because I only care about myself.

Then! Not two minutes later, (both of these happened when the store was crazy because of the upcoming Blizzard of 06®) I get summoned again. Jeff says, "Adam", I say "WTF?!?!", and pick up the phone.

"Hi Adam, this is that girls friend from before. Where do you live?"

At this point I was so completely taken off guard, that I was simply at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry, what?" I reply.
"Where do you live?"
"Why?"
"Because, we were wondering if you wanted to deliver the movie to us."
"OOoooh... well I live in Stratford, but I don't think I could do that.
I get off at ten, and I don't want to find someone's house in the snow."

Jeff says, "Dude, tell them to fuck off!" Mind you everyone is working hard with a line, and I'm on a phone saying, "I live in Stratford" to some random customer. It was just plain awkward.

"Oh ya, I understand. Okay, we just thought you could if it was on your way. But that's alright."
"Ya, I don't know if I would do it though. It's not something we normally do."
"All right, just thought we would ask. Okay, bye."

I was a little weirded out to say the least. The guys asked me what hell was going on. After stuttering, trying to think of what it was about, I just told them what happened, and they were all as confused as me.

Then about half an hour later, the two girls come back.

I turn around and say, "Oh hey guys, sorry about the movie. I got it for ya here." One of them says, "Ya, we're sorry about that. We didn't want to weird you out."

THEN SHE FUCKING FREAKS ME OUT.

"Here you go," as she hands me a folded piece of paper, "it's a valentines card, we made this for you."

...

...

At this point all my motor functions ceased, I forgot my name, and I just stood there... lost. I could not think at all. I think I thought, "Wwwhhaaaa..tt...th..the...ffffffffffffuu.uuck." I mean JESUS, what would you do... EXACTLY! Same thing okay. Finally, I mumble something like, "Wow, what planet are you guys from." take the card, shove it in my back pocket quickly and embarrassed, check them out, and stare vacantly at the next customer.

ALL I could think about for the rest of the night was, "What the hell is in this card?!". Because it was too busy to pull it out, and read it right there. Plus if it said something... personal (a'WINK*) I didn't want anyone else to read it until I approved.
Finally I open it an hour or two later.

I just stared at it, not able to comprehend it for a good two minutes.
Then my mind focused on one word at a time, and I was more confused
than ever... maybe even a little frightened.

THE END

-Frightenedly

ADAM
[Editor's Note: PS Fuck you Adam]

A Double Threat Dad

2006-02-13T21:23:00.000-05:00

Classic asshole kid comment of the day:

A 15 year old talking to his dad:

"Why can't I rent it? You're so retarded!"

and even better

"Dad you're so gay!"

Fairfield County kids really have an interesting perspective on their parents, because if his dad is gay AND retarded, the odds are really against him

-Jordan

Yo Big Mama

2006-02-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s my first post in a while to the, er… Brokebackery. Um… Anyway, just thought I’d write a little bit about The Blizzard of 06®, which got Fairfield (the home base for the Brokebackery) mentioned on the front page of CNN for a whopping 28 inches of snow. A couple of more inches and the snow would have almost measured the length of my enormous wang. (That was for our lady-readers.)

On Friday I opened the store and was immediately bombarded by customers of all shapes, sizes, and annoyances. The first customer of the day, who strolled in at 10:01, tripping over the still-rolled-up floor mat, is the annoying guy with the retarded/androgynous child and a penchant for renting hardcore anime porn (and being a complete idiot). And let me tell you - the day just got better from there. (Keep in mind I was alone from 10 to 2, and when Kevin came in he immediately threw on “The Living Daylights.” Classic.)

Highlights:

A woman brought up a card for a movie that is included in the critically lauded Billy Graham collection. She asked me a question about it and I go: “It’s a boxed set of movies endorsed by Billy Graham and if his movies are half as good as his sermons… his movies suck.” There was laughter, but it was the kind of choked, guilty laugh that also had a “OH-KAY” slipped in there for good measure.

Then the greatest thing ever happened:

I was helping a woman at the counter who had several obnoxious children roaming about and setting fire to things (setting things afire – thanks Bramlet). There are a few people behind her: including an older woman dressed in black, and (behind that lady) a guy who was actually black. So while I’m helping her out (and she’s of course focused on me and my penetrating sex-eyes), one of her little kids turns to the lady in the black, points, and says, flat out:

“SHE’S FAT.”

And the addressee goes: “He’s right, I am fat.” And the mother at first didn’t even hear what was going on. Then she snaps around and goes: “What did he say? Where did you even hear that?” The “fat” woman didn’t seem to take any offense. Then the mother shuffles out the store with the kid being dragged and she’s slapping and yelling at him, and he starts to cry.

A few minutes later, while I’m helping the supposedly big-boned woman, the mother comes BACK in to apologize profusely and say how mortified she was at her child (it was a lot like Oprah’s description of how James Frey made her feel). The woman was not offended at all and kept saying “No, I am fat.” And I’m behind the counter freezing my balls off (the heat had been turned off since Monday) and trying to keep my head down and away from the extreme awkwardness swirling around me. It was beyond uncomfortable and now, in hindsight, hilarious.

Just thought I’d share.

Jack Twist.

Picture/Asshole of the Week - Get Low to the Flo'

2006-02-11T15:24:00.000-05:00

The Media Wave Picture/ Asshole of the Week (Day?):

No, this isn't my attempt at getting sexy shot of a 3rd graders fatty for my spank bank. Although, it seems as though I've succeeded with that either way.

I took this candid-camera phone picture from behind a DVDs-For-Sale rack, all covert style n shit. If you couldn't tell, this is a real photo of a grown woman and her young daughter sprawled out, lying in the middle of the goddamn store like they own the mothafucka.

Not only that, but unfortunately this image couldn't totally capture the unsightly mess that is just hinted at to the right of the picture next to her leg - this woman, who presumably owns a home, handles adult responsiblity to at least the point that is necessary to exist, and who is rearing a child, left a HUGE mess of empty soda bottles, open DVD boxes and some other junk from her purse or some bullshit. Fuck my balls, are you kidding me? It gets worse...

Not only was she lying in the middle of the store in a pile of garbage with her young daughter, but at the point of this picture she had been lying on the floor, head to our rarely cleaned, frequently uriniated upon carpet, for more than 10 MINUTES!....
ON HER CELL PHONE!!
Yes, that's right. She was carrying on a very loud and obnoxious cell phone conversation while lying in the middle of a fucking popular retail business - with her daugher following her lead - for probably 15 minutes straight.

"Hey Meegan! Oh good, how are you? yea, you know... - I'm just lying down resting. No, I'm not home, I'm at the video store with my daughter, Madisen. No it's ok, I can talk. No, yea...- yea, no I'm on the floor. Yeeea, the floor. I was soo tired when I got here I literally could not wait until I got home to lay down. You know what I mean, right? I KNOW! It's like, when you're tired you're tired, right?, and you can't, like, mess with nature - at least that's what my herbalist told me. And it's like, Madisen was already on the floor pulling DVD boxes off the shelves, so I figured if she could do it so could I. Yea- yea, no yea I know, rules of public conduct are sooo stupid!- YES! "

And so forth...
Well, that is how I imagined her cell phone conversation going... I figure her daughter's name is Madisen because anyone named Madisen is a fucking dumb bitch, or raised by one, so...

The whole time I was trying my best to secretly take pictures from different angles but it was too difficult without blowing my cover. I'm pretty sure she saw me doing it once but didn't really care and just continued laying there chatting herself silly.

AND she's wearing really ugly boots with stupid grey sweatpants. What a bitch.

Let me also remind the reader that this is not by any means the first picture I have someone lying on floor in the middle of the store. I think to date this is the 4th, maybe the 5th picture I've taken with my trusty camera phone of this phenomenon - of the incidents I actually got to take pictures of, here are some of the pictures I still have:

It's one thing if 8 year olds do it - Hell, I used to do it. I was even lazier as a kid than I am now, and that's saying a lot considering I used to fall asleep on display beds (and in the backroom) at my last job at a furniture store. But middle aged women? I always knew older women would be laying down anywhere to get with me, but I never imagined this!

-Jordan

Celebrity Sighting - The greatest star in cinema & television history

2006-02-09T17:26:00.000-05:00

The other day a woman ran into the store frantically trying to tell Jeff something. I was putting up returns during the commotion so I wasn't involved until I heard Jeff calling my name and giving me the "Um... come help me with this weirdo" signal. So, against my better judgement, I go help him out.

Jeff: "We need your Martial Arts expertise"
Me: "Um, my what? Is there a villain that needs a-killin? Or what? I don't know much about martial arts movies"
Jeff: "She's looking for some help with Bruce Lee movies"
The frantic lady looks at me, her face lights up and she says
Weird Lady: "You know guy in all those Bruce Lee or Martial Arts movies?"
Me: "um.. Bruce Lee?"
Weird Lady: "No, no.. the guy with the pepper beard, he's kind of old now but he usually has a beard. He's in all those old martial arts movies"
Thinking I could answer any question about bearded men, I put my thinking cap on... but came up with nothing
Weird Lady: "You know... he's got that pepper beard and he's old. He's in all those martial arts movies!"
Me: "Yea.. thanks"
FINALLY the woman got to the point...
Weird Lady: "Let me get to the point. I just saw him walking down the street!!! Just now, he just passed me! But I forgot his name! Well, I gotta run but when I think of it I'll come back and you'll know exactly who I'm talking about."

We kind of forgot all about this weird random burst of excitement and mystery until about an hour later when she busts through the door once again, stops whatever we're doing (most likely we weren't doing anything) and yells
"CHUCK NORRIS!! It was CHUCK NORRIS! The guy with the beard! We was just walkin down the street!"
HOLY SHIT!, I thought. "Pepper beard"?? huh?
I said to her "ARE YOU SURE??? WHY DIDN'T YOU GRAB HIM AND BRING HIM IN HERE!?" and she replied
"Well, celebrities don't like to be disturbed around here. He probably lives locally and has a daughter in the dance school behind this store".
After thinking it over I told her
"you're right. In fact you're very lucky. By not bothering him you probably saved yourself a very fatal roundhouse kick through your head, or at the very least a broken arm."

I would like to think that Chuck Norris's daughter takes karate, kick boxing, delta force tactics or death blow classes, or training to be a Ranger in some yet undetermined state, or something to that effect... but I guess dancing is a form of fighting... maybe it's a capoeira class.

So in tribute to Chuck Norris, by far the best celebrity (and bearded brother) that has graced our sidewalk, here is a picture of maybe my favorite Chuck Norris movie (besides "Lone Wolf McQuade" - Norris VS David Carradine!! and "Sidekicks"- many a life lesson learned) ever: "Hellbound"! No, not the Montreal, Canada crust-core band, the movie where Chuck is pitted against armageddon!
"Mess with this Chicago cop and there's hell to pay!" - oh, clever!
Plot Description:
"To Chicago undercover policemen Shatter and Jackson, everything from petty theft to murder one is as common as ham and eggs. But nothing could prepare them for a force spawned by hell itself. Excitement comes on strong when Chuck Norris plays Shatter in the eerie supernatural thriller Hellbound. A murder investigation whisks Shatter and sidekick Jackson (Calvin Levels) to the Holy Land's windswept reaches. There they discover it's more than a murder case that hangs in the balance: it's the fate of the world. Human meddling has restored a powerful satanic messenger to life. Now all that stands in the way of the creature's plan for dominance is a mysterious blood rite - and two never-say-die cops."

I know what you're saying: This film has all the makings of a masterpiece! You're right.
So why does it rate so low with the critics?
Because the critics don't know shit about never-say-die cops, demons or how to kick ass.
First of all, Chuck Norris plays a character named SHATTER and to him murder is as common as ham and fuckin eggs. Holy shit.
His sidekicks name is JACKSON, which is a pretty cool name as we have learned from Samuel L. Jackson, so you might be wondering - is this Jackson black too? Of course he is, silly, his name is Jackson! What kind of early 90's action buddy cop action movie would this be if there wasn't a black character with a stereotypically black name as the sidekick to a white guy with a hard hitting name like Shatter?

With the Crusader army at the bottom and fire all around, this movie cover suggests that Norris goes back in time to fight Evil itself... in HELL!. Since I haven't and will not see the film, I will go on assuming that, even though I know it isn't true. All I know is that when armageddon does come, and it will come soon, I want Chuck Norris there to kick it's ass.

The funniest thing to me is that when we got this movie on DVD it rented fairly well. Guys in the action section who just weren't satisfied with fruity crap like "Fantastic Four" zeroed in on this one because they knew, just like you now know, that this movie has everything anyone could ever ask for - Chuck Norris. Nuff said.

God I wish he came in to rent one of his own movies... Maybe next time, Chuck. From now on we are going to set up a Chuck Norris Tribute section so that in case he ever does come in he will know how much we love him. And also because any video store with any balls really should have a Chuck Norris section.
Now I know where his daughter goes for dance lessons, so it will be safe to say I'll be lurking outside the dance center doors around 8pm every Tuesday and Thursday when class gets out... which I happen to know for no particularly creepy reason...

-Jordan

Intolerance

2006-02-05T14:08:00.001-05:00

I overheard a particularly offensive conversation between two young guys that seem to represent this country's intolerant and close-minded attitude toward alternative marriage. The religious right seems to be taking over and the opinions of people about what is "decent" or "moral" or "legal" are completely out of touch with the modern world.
Must we continue to stand idly by as everyday people openly engage in this kind of discrimination?:

13 year old kid: Oh man, that's sick
Older brother: What?
Kid: "Corpse Bride"... He's marrying a corpse!
Brother: Yea, so?
Kid: It's SICK! It's a dead person and they're getting married?
Brother: Well I'm sure they have a very loving relationship
Kid: It doesn't matter, that's just wrong. It's sick. *

The anti-corpse marriage attitude in this country has to stop! With Bush in office for another 3 years and the republicans running the government it looks as though there will never be tolerance for inter-worldy unions.

There is nothing wrong with 2 people, alive or dead or what have you, who love each other being able to get married in a court of law. Love transcends the boundaries of "life and death", it's in all the classic love stories. So why does there have to be so much hate and misunderstanding?
I guess people hate what they can't understand and fear what they hate and the simple truth is that even in 2006 people are still afraid of the walking dead. Get over it! So sometimes the dead walk among us and marry the living, what is the big deal?? Just because they come from the grave doesn't mean they're controlled by satan, and not all corpses go around marrying any willing partner they find at a corpse bar. This country is so unenlightened to the truth about the living dead.

Movies like Brokeback Mountain are making history for gay relationships in popular culture and has even been recognized by the Oscar's, but even more controversial films like "Corpse Bride", "Nekromantik" and especially "Play Dead", a film about gay necrophilia, are generally and not suprisingly ignored. What kind of country are we living in, or in some cases, living dead in?

*That conversation is word for word as I heard it, completely real. The kid was absolutely sincere in being sickened by such a relationship, and his older brother was playing along and sort of mocking him, as I have tried to do here as well.

-Jordan

For more on "Nekromantik" (I know you want to know more) check out one of my favorite DVD Picks
and also check the reality of this satire when the government attacks our right to marry our animals

How to make people uncomfortable without really trying

2006-01-31T22:15:00.000-05:00

The other day this customer said something that was strikingly bizarre and therefore absurdly funny...
However, before I give you the money shot quote or any more adverbs, there's some background:
I should mention that this particular customer, who I'll refer to as Mr. Awkward, is strange enough as it is and manages to delicately balance being really nice and making me feel really uncomfortable. He's got these eyes... these freaky eyes that don't move from their locked position on your face (or you crotch, depending) no matter what nature of conversation you're having with him. He's one of those 50-something guys who looks hard as nails (nothing brokeback) but is super sweet, forcing me to question his sexuality and his motivation for certain conversations on more than one occasion.
His sexuality having nothing directly to do with his quote, I'll move on.

So it was a busy evening at The Wave, lots of customers and chaos abound. He steps up and impliments one of his classic "make people uncomfrotable" tactics: The long stare & The unnecessarily long thought-out answer to everyday meaningless questions. It's a classic.
Example:

Me: Hey, how are you?
Him: (Staring at me with intense concentration and a huge cheshire cat smile)...... I'm... (thinks about it) ... I'm GREAT, and how are you sir?
Me: Quite well, thank you
Him: (after a few seconds of thought and more staring)... Really? Are you really?
Me: um.. Yep!
Him: (ear-to-ear smile still plastered on face) Well that's good to hear
Me: Yes, isn't it? How about I get your movies and get you out of the store ASAP? Ok? Excellent.

It's great to have a genuine "how are you?" conversation as opposed to the constantly insincere repetative kind, but this man has no emotional (or financial, as far as I know) investment in my life, and he sees me like once a week, so what the fuck is his deal? Why is he so obscenely interested in how I'm REALLY doing? And why the fuck is he staring like that!? What the balls?

In the meantime, there is a young mother (actually, she looked about 19) holding her baby while waiting in line at the other register and Mr. Awkward turns to her, see's the baby and loudly and abruptly exclaims:

"Hey... nice baby"

Hey... nice baby. Think about hearing that... Imagine saying that to some woman you've never met before. Imagine some random guy saying that to you. What a way with words Mr. Awkward has, huh?

I can imagine him saying all kinds of blunt, awkward things.

Mr. Awkward at a strip club: "Hey... nice vagina"
Mr. Awkward at a hospital: "Hey... nice tumor"
Mr. Awkward at a funeral: "Hey... nice casket"
Mr. Awkward at a wedding: "Hey... nice wife"
and so forth.

So there's my one quote, elongated into several paragraphs.

-Jordan

Jurassic Park 4 Plotline Revealed!

2006-01-29T14:53:00.000-05:00

A little kid just exclaimed: "Boxing dinosaurs!?! That'd be the ultimate movie!"

An artist's rending of this movie:

I CELEBRATE myself;
And what I assume you shall assume; I accidentally domed your son "

The Showcase of Depravity

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1/31 - NEVER FORGET

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Santa? Give me a break

Happy New Year Card

Trucker? I Hardly Know 'er

We only followed the instructions, officer.

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Broads, right?

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I have an oriental friend, so I can say that

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Q: When is a Hitler moustache OK?

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SOAMFP Mania sets in at The Wave

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Ridin' Dirty

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Gourmet Nuts for sale

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Customer Comment To End All Customer Comments

More pictures of people lying on the floor

Cool Mom Alert

Kids can't swear for beans.

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Brooklyn We Back again

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The future leaders of our nation marching for a better tomorrow

You Don't Know Breasts

WWJD? Acid, probably.

I am immortalized once again - this time in can form

Duh

Customer Comment of the Day - Mary-Kate & Ashley

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I'm the victim of a hate crime

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Media Wave Wins Yet Another Popularity Contest, The County Rejoices

Best Video Store

Media Wave Movies & More6969 Post Rd.Fairfield, CT(203) 255-6969

Customer Comment of the Day V.2

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